[It really had been trying times for them lately, hadn't it? First the glitches, unwanted quests and visitors as the world around them was falling apart and reality coming off the seams, and now they both had been confronted by suspecting Jinx. And well. Let's say that the girls sudden outburst and accusations hadn't really won any brownie points to her in Richard's mind.
He hadn't really cared for the girl that much the begin with, aside from some mild curiosity, but he had seen the bond between her and Silco and that was something he respected. The closeness of the duo did bring fond memories of his own connection to his now passed father. However, with these recent antics of her that could very well be described as harassment, she had made herself to be an eyesore. And Richard was having hard time keeping himself neutral to her. It actually makes him miss Buckingham and his shameless and cunning mind.
But seeing that he was still alone here, Richard had kept quiet about Jinx's latest attempts to reach out to him. After all, he had said to Silco that he would not require his help when dealing with the daughter. That, and part of him did not wish to create a ripple between the family. Not now, anyway.
Richard had resigned himself to bed when he had seen the message from Silco, curling up in the sheets and trying to catch sleep. It had, of course, been an useless attempt as his mind was wide awake, too occupied by the thoughts and anticipation of knowing that there would soon be another body lying next to him -- unknowingly shielding him from the horrors of his own nightmares and coldness of the isolation. It truly was becoming like with Buckingham, as Richard found himself more and more relying on Silco's presence to be able rest in his own bed.
So, when Silco had arrived and joined him in the bed Richard felt a relief wash over him. He reached to take Silco's hand to his own, sighed deep and allowed his body finally relax as the long wait was finally over. It didn't take long until he found himself falling asleep on the man's arms.
He did not wake to Silco stirring in the bed nor to him getting up and coming back in. In fact, Richard stays in the blissful, dreamless slumber for a while. It is only when the first shy morning lights begin to peek inside from his window, waking up the early birds and inviting them to sing when Richard finally slipped back to consciousness. Slowly blinking his sleepy eyes open he glanced up at Silco and wordlessly moved his injured hand to place it on top of the other's, seeking for connection.]
[Family drama was unfortunately part and parcel of having Jinx as a daughter, as she created numerous disruptions simply with her being. In Zaun, it had been excellent and even worked to allow him to establish himself as he built her up along with his empire. He was so focused on his stranglehold of Zaun and seeking trade routes and people to buy to allow expansion that there had been no time to 'meet' someone.
He had never actually pondered the possibility back in their world, but death then coming here had slowed his life down. He had to work to build his empire back up, and he had less associates to spread his webs out and had to do so personally. And family drama had followed him, but he could deal with that because it was personal for them and an annoyance to him.
Now he was sharing Richard's bed, and he found himself enjoying the younger man's company. Oh he recognized that the Duke was a danger to him both physically and in the future if motivation for ruling took over, but if anything that made what they had even more intriguing. Richard was a strange broken puzzle who somehow found comfort in a monster like him on a different level than he had with others.
He was drawn from his thoughts and his gaze regressed from that thousand mile stare as he felt the younger man stir next to him and a hand on his own. He sighed from his nose and shifted to stretch his shoulders that had stiffened from sitting in one position too long. Then he moved to lay down next to Richard again, pressing his forehead against the younger man's temple.]
We need to talk. It's safe to assume that Jinx is making accusations at you; she's been doing that to me for the last few days. [Good morning with that heavy topic. He closed his blue eye and gave Richard space to wake up now that he had set the stage.] She's... a handful when she's jealous and thinks I have secrets from her. [To say the least.]
[Mind still lazy and numb from night's rest, Richard fails to pick up any tension or other stress indicators in Silco's body language. Exhaling deep through his mouth, he shifts on the mattress a little so that the other man can slide back to lie next to him. With a small, content smile on his lips Richard moves his arm up so that he can gently caress his lover's cheek with his knuckles. Enjoying from this quiet moment that they share in their little private world.
Except then comes the words, bursting the bubble that Richard had built around them through the night. So much for slow and calm morning, huh. His hand stills for a brief second and the expression on his face changes, brows knitting together in a frown and lips pressing together into a thin line. Well, at least he is awake now.
Richard ceases his stroking and pulls his hand away, turning his head to face at the ceiling.]
[He savoured the contact to a cheek that had all of its nerve-endings still intact and functioning. He mused that he had given up sleeping in a bed for decades before Richard, and he had never been much of a close contact person either. He supposed having a barnacle for a bedmate left him with little options, and he slowly warmed up to the idea to keep the younger man content.
Yet, the warm moment was soured with his words, and he wished he could regret them. He couldn't though, aware that he and Richard were wise enough to understand that they had lost control of both their 'secret' and the narrative that went with it. That was dangerous to them both.
He pulled his face away and rolled onto his back so he too could stare at the ceiling. And perhaps to give Richard distance if the younger man would prefer to be away from him.]
I don't know what exactly occurred between the two of you, but it appears she has the same sentiment about you. I have an idea based on the fact that you've openly stated that you're married. [Richard came from a time period that did remind him of the books he read about Piltover's upper class.] It will only grow worse from here. We've lost control of any peace or secrecy we may hope to have about this.
[There was a no way that they could have been spared from having this conversation. It was ought to happen sooner or later, and they both had known about it. Perhaps they both had simply been blinded by the so-called honeymoon phase, indulging in the passion and desires that had been long ignored and denied. Allowing themselves to get lost in the moment of not being alone, that they had simply failed to see the reality approaching them fast in horizon.
However, whether he had been aware of it or not didn't mean that Richard liked having to face it at all. The usual darkness awakens from the back of his mind, calling forth the anxieties that made his heart beat fast and his lungs within his rib cage feel far too tight. But instead of the fear it was irritation that rose to the surface.
Yes. He had mentioned being married. But what else he could have done? Deny Anne? Ridiculous. Especially when there were people present in this world who knew of him and his life. Such lie would be easily caught and trampled. And why should he have to lie about his status. Richard wasn't ashamed of his marriage, or his wife. If anything they both legitimized his status and worth -- working as a shield from piercing rumors and accusations.]
I do not owe her explanation of my actions or the choices I have made. [He says, voice thin and cold. He then sits up on the bed, for once not caring to cover himself.] I have left her alone. It is her who keeps harassing me. If she truly wants to follow me and insult me with her heckles I will not stand by and do nothing. She is no longer a child.
[The shift in Richard's mood was obvious, and he mused that both his lover and his daughter often seemed to react similarly at first. It was no laughing matter, and despite knowing they needed to get ahead of this, he had delayed under the arrogance that his admittance of a lover would be enough to satisfy. He should have known after Jinx had professed concern he would be stolen away that it would not be peaceful.
When Richard sat up, the gulf of space - which wasn't all that large - seemed huge. He reached up and pushed his fingers through his hair to pull it from falling into his face. It stayed here, mingling the growing streak of silver with the brown, and he watched Richard with his mismatched gaze.]
We come from different worlds and different traditions. In my city, marriage of legitimacy are not common, and wandering to another's bed while in marriage is a good way to have one's liver removed with a knife. She is... concerned about loyalty. [He sighed as he considered the notion he was technically Richard's dirty secret, but then again, the younger man had much to hide in the way of secrets. He was likely the least of them. Yet, would it matter in the end?]
She won't stop until we openly admit to her we are... [He trialed off; they had never put a label on what they were before. They'd technically made no official commitment to whatever this was. They just... kept meeting.] I will understand if her behaviour is overwhelming and you'd prefer to not have a part in it....
[Well, Richard is a Plantagenet after all. A lineage full of cunning and bloodthirsty leaders, not shying away from showcasing anger and brutality. George and Edward had it in them too, but their anger could not hold a candle to Richard's rage fueled by lifelong hurt.]
If I were to discover another sleeping in my wife's bed it would very well be in my rights to plunge a knife into him. Marriage is not a joke to us either. [He states, feeling a need to defend his own world and culture, not wanting to leave any room for doubt for disloyalty or dishonor. Marriage was a sacred bond, something that no lover should be able to disturb. In normal situations, at least. Although, there was nothing normal about Richard's own circumstances and marriage with Anne.
And it was that abnormality that allowed him to be involved in this secret between him and Silco. They were both men who carried darkness with them that set them apart from most of the rest, something that made them just a little bit more like monsters than men. Being aware of what to show and what to keep under discretion was essential for their survival, so keeping this... affair, if one wanted to call it that, in secrecy aligned perfectly with that line of thought. Even in a city of sinners like this one, it only felt natural to stay quiet about their involvement. After all, what they did was no one else's business but theirs.
There is a brief pause while Richard remains mute, lips sealed shut as he tried to tamper down his anger. The tension builds up around his shoulders and Richard curls his fingers around the edges of the blanket. Does he want to deal with Jinx? Quite frankly no. Not if it is going to be like this.]
And? Does she wish us to make a similar humiliating announcement as the other person did the other day when confessing his affections towards a jester?
[Silco found himself squinting just a little at the declaration of loyalty to the wife, who was not actually here in Aldrip. He also wasn't so certain of the hypocrisy of bedding that Buckingham fellow from Richard's world - Richard's other half? - while also still married. Maybe the wife was dead; he hadn't asked.]
So I can expect if she makes her way here and finds us like this that I'll be fending off a knife slipping between my ribs? [The marriage discussion was clearly a messy one, perhaps even more so than the Jinx one, though not by much.] If it's not a joke, why are we doing this, Richard? Because she isn't here or because she doesn't know how similar we are to one another?
[There were some aspects of oneself that couldn't be shown to everyone; he had the confidence to lean into being a monster. It's what those of his world expected him to be, and so he would for his own goals. It seemed to him that Richard was the same, and he didn't deny that there was considerable comfort and pleasure with someone he didn't have to justify his actions to or mince his words with.
He huffed softly at the question, reaching out to stroke a hand down the middle of Richard's back.] I would never make any public announcement. My business is mine. No, I believe she wants me and by extension you to admit we are sleeping together, that we don't avoid dropping one another's names or deflecting any further.
[Would it make things better? Probably not. She had already spat at him that she would never forgive Richard or himself for refusing to name drop in the first place.]
Nay. [Although, the thought did amuse him a quite bit. The idea of sweet, gentle Anne with her sorrowful eyes taking a knife up against Richard's lover. It wasn't her skill that he doubted but her ability and will to go through something so brutal and bloody. And besides, if there was someone she'd attack it'd be Richard instead of Silco. He had betrayed Anne countless times and only kept doing so, despite her placing all of her trust on him.
The question leaves Richard quiet. Why were doing this, indeed? On one hand the answer was rather simple: because they were lonely and could find remedy to that in these moments. But then again, it is everything but simple. Richard was married and, despite his seemingly uncaring behavior, he held respect to that union between him and Anne. When the stage had been set, players put in the places and trap activated for him to gain the control of the crown it had been her judgement that had the final say. Without Anne's support, Richard wouldn't have proceeded in his final act of deceit.
And yet. He was here, with another man in his bed out of all things. Betraying Anne once again.
"That is because you're a demon, Richard. You can't help it. Your every desire is a sin." A dark voice speaks to him somewhere from the shadows. Richard doesn't move to acknowledge the voice, but he is very well aware that if he were to do as much as turn to look to his left he'd see a familiar hooded, faceless figure cursing him.]
You knew about her. Why does it bother you now? [Richard hadn't been shy revealing his marital status to others, Silco included. He had even shone light about his situation with Buckingham to the other man and it had not seemed to bother him. If anything Silco had promised to stay by his side and fill the void of solitude. So, what had changed? The doubt spread to his body, making his breathing and heartbeat quicker as these uncertain thoughts plagued his mind.
The touch makes him shiver a little, fingers curling tighter around the edges of the blanket.] A truth like that is dangerous when let out of confident. You know that.
A shame. I've never been a home wrecker before. [He leaned his head back against the pillow and returned to staring up at the ceiling. Truth be told, Richard might have been the first he remained intrigued about to put up with that kind of disruption. What was the need for loyalty to more than enjoying themselves when they didn't care to define what this was so far.] I suppose the situation would be as messy with her as it is with my daughter.
[He shifted his other arm behind his head, fingers flicking against each other to prevent him from giving his away his normal tells. His hand remained stroking up and down Richard's back, feeling the tension in those muscles.] She's not here. Neither is he. It doesn't bother me because I'm aware of the potential... finality of this if one or both make their way here. [Well, maybe not the first person but definitely the second.
He sighed and stared at the ceiling. He was still convinced they had lost the narrative and keeping this a secret between them could escalate matters beyond what they could reasonably control.] I do know, yes. I also know that controlling information is imperative for both of us. Are you... ashamed of this?
She is my wife. If she were to arrive here she would not have name, wealth nor power. There is nothing she could do. [And same went for her in their home, as well. With the caveat that back in London she could very well destroy him by spreading the rumors. But it would also mean the end to her and their son Edward. Anne was tethered to him whether she wanted it or not.
There is a painful sting in Richard's chest when Silco brings up his kingmaker again. The desperation hammering into his heart like a sharp wooden stake. He hates just how mentioning the possibility of Buckingham arriving is enough to fill him with the merciless hope, clawing new wounds to his soul over the old ones. It reminded him of the days of the past when he had looked at different source of light - hoping to see a glimpse of those gentle eyes looking at his way. The memory brought a sour taste to his mouth, making Richard loathe himself even more.]
..It's not that. [Because in the end, it wasn't this connection that he was ashamed of. No, the source for it lied with himself and his own, bottomless pit of self-hate. Despite their shared similarities in privacy, Richad was not like Silco. He could not let the people see the monster that he was in broad daylight.] Why haven't you told her yet?
And yet she remains your wife regardless of her status and fortunes. [And he couldn't tell if that meant something to Richard with the way the younger man was turned away from him. Richard's body language remained very closed off, and he couldn't view his lover's expression either.] And family makes things such as these messy when they feel they have a stake.
[He noted that Richard didn't answer the question, nor rebutted the accurate statement that the younger man would most definitely walk away if the 'other' came to this place. It was inevitable, and he closed his blue eye as he reminded himself of that.] Then what is it?
[The question drew a low hum from his throat. Before he had come here in the early hours of the morning, he had asked himself that same question and parsed out an answer for himself. Would it satisfy? Did matter?] Because I was protecting you. Your secrets are yours to give when and to whom you wish to.
[Unsure how to respond to that, Richard stays quiet. Does he, and by extension Jinx, expect him to reject and denounce his bond with Anne? There's no way he could do that, were she present in this world or not. She was still an essential, fundamental peace that kept walls of lies and deceit from crumbling down.
It is cruel, he knows, and that he is no better than Warwick who used both of his daughters as bargaining chips as he tried to form alliances left and right just to destroy Edward. He was using Anne the same way to ensure his own claim and secure himself. But what else can be expected of a demon like him?
Yet another heavy silence falls between them as the direct questioning continues. However, it is very different within Richard's own mind as the voice from before is screaming at him again, shouting the curses at him and forcing his mind even further into isolation.
'Demon, demon!', 'To an undigested and deformed lump!'
Richard can feel his chest and throat tightening, making it hard to breath. Letting go off the blanket he brings his hands over his temples and pulls his knees up towards his bare chest, curling up more to himself.]
It is a sin. [He says eventually with a quiet voice, feeling the distance between growing as he knew that Silco would most likely not be able to understand this reason.] I am demon who pulls others into the darkness to satisfy my own desires.
['Your every desire is a crime.' That is the truth that he can't let out of this confined room. Silco might be able to stand tall and proud in his skin of monster, but Richard had so much to lose. Even here in Aldrip, with this Chosen still looking at him.
But the unexpected confession is enough to cut through the curse and silencing the dark voice for a moment, pulling him back to the present from the depths of his mind. A brief wave of disbelief washes through his mind and lowers his hands just enough to catch a glimpse at Silco.]
[Silco was able to watch Richard withdraw more and more into himself that further this conversation went, pulling away not physically but in every other way. He expected it was a self-protective gesture, to hide in plain sight when put under scrutiny, and there were plenty of times when Richard's silence had been answer enough.
This was not it. As he watched the younger man curl into himself towards the fetal position, he found himself warring with reaction. On one hand, it was a statement of the trust they had built that he could pick out this vulnerability, but on the other, this weakness would damn whatever this was. He was all for games of the word, but he also was plainly straight-forward on certain topics and expected others who had earned his trust to do the same.
Yet, the claim of a sin actually earned a sharp noise from him, and he set his elbow to the mattress too push himself up to sit. He shifted so their bodies were close together without being in direct contact. He put his mouth close to Richard's hand covered ear.] What is sin but the declaration of someone standing from an ivory tower telling you that you aren't good enough? We are allowed to give into our desires; we are allowed to seek happiness and pleasure and fortune and knowledge.
You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.
[He shrugged his bare shoulders as if nonchalant about the idea of sin. Which ones? He valued loyalty over anything else, but he understood that everyone had an agenda and a limitation.
He tilted his head to meet Richard's gaze, leaning in so he could rest his chin on the younger man's shoulder.]
I still haven't told her. [So no, it hadn't changed.
It was, of course, only partial truth. There were more complex reasons beyond protecting Richard's bodily secrets. He wanted to; he wanted this; he was lonely even when in a room full of people; he wanted to protect them; he wanted to protect Jinx. On and on it went if he scratched to the deeper levels.]
[He doesn't understand. How is one supposed to ignore the voices coming off the ivory tower when the one judging you is no other than the God and the order of life itself? One who sins is prohibited from ever touching the light. That is why they must display the utmost discreet to not be caught when moving in the shadows.
The touch helps to keep Richard grounded in the presence, preventing him from falling too deep into the dark depths of his own nightmares. At first, at least. Because when he words fall from Silco's lips Richard can feel his stomach dropping and his soul being pulled back.
'You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.' That is because the forbidden fruit is always the most sweetest. Or so he would normally image a reply to such statement if it wasn't for the lingering implication behind the words that he had indeed tempted the other.
'That is what you always do. Ruin people with those sweet words slipping past your lips and with that demon body of yours!' The voice speaks back to him, heckling as the entire room is covered in the thick black veil, blocking the morning with its light and sounds from entering the room. The veins are coiling around him again, pressing the spikes against his flesh.
Richard's eyes turns away from Silco once again, focusing in the distant spot on the wall, trying to shake off the anxiety from his skin and fight against the panic that threatens to swallow him whole.]
But you want to. [He says eventually, tongue heavy and words tasting like rot in his mouth. Keeping his expression neutral he slips further away on the mattress and moves towards the edge of the bed. ] I will need to wash. We should continue this discussion after that with a meal.
[It's like a growing wave next to him, the air thickening with a palpable pressure that he only had an ability to look out for because he had already raised an emotionally traumatized daughter. He remained close, of course, thinking his physical presence may be enough to stave off whatever black hole that Richard's thoughts were falling into.
The distance between them seemed to gulf quickly even before Richard made motion to move away from him, and he expected that there was something that he said which had had the opposite effect that he had intended. For all intensive purposes, this conversation and all of its topics were over, and they had to start from scratch slowly and carefully once... whatever this was passed.
He sighed from his nose when Richard eased away, and he pushed his fingers through his hair as he watched the younger man retreat away. This was one of those 'I will hide under the desk with you' moments, he expected, though very, very different with Richard. The tells were similar.
Silco gathered himself, tucking away all the vulnerabilities he might want to expose and straightened his spine. Like that, he set his shoulders and threw off the blankets and slipped from the bed, making a point of stretching casually.] I will join you then.
[He came around the bed and offered a hand to Richard, gesturing with his head towards the bathroom.] Let's go. We don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. Just us enjoying indoor plumbing and clean water.
[Richard is already halfway off the bed, pushing the blanket aside and planning to reach for the rose-patterned night robe that he had shed on the chair near the bed earlier, when he feels the mattress dip and shift underneath him. Wordlessly he turns his head to look over his shoulder and watches Silco to move and get up, circling around the bed to his side. Everything happens in slow motion in his eyes, as if he was watching a repeat of a distant memory, like a play of sorts that happens in front of him but not to him.
The words spoken to him echoes from somewhere in the distance, pushing through the rustling of leaves and the creaking of the branches that extended their claw-like twigs towards him. The voice is laughing at him as he reaches out to place his hand on top of the offered palm. The movement, as simple it is, feels heavy and difficult as the vines kept clinging on him.
Once he's taken the hand, Richard uses it to pull himself off the bed and to his feet. He moves completely on autopilot, neutral eyes not reflecting the turmoil and storm raging in his mind.
[He pulled Richard up to stand without much effort on his part, yet pulled the younger man close enough that he could lean in to press his lips to Richard's forehead, lingering for a time there.
That finished, he gave a small uninsistent tug to Richard hand as he took them both to the bathroom and shut the door behind them. At the same time as they begun to walk, he simply hummed a little soft tune of Zaun. There was no need to talk and honestly, in a state like that, words could make things worse than better so he didn't bother.
He pulled them both to the shower and tub, urging Richard in as he turned on the water with the other hand. He let the younger man choose where to sit or stand in the step up as he concentrated on making certain the water was an acceptable temperature. The sound of his humming increased to be heard over the sound of water. He did not release his grip on Richard's hand unless it was because the younger man pulled away from him. Never the other way around.]
[It was a strange thing, to have someone else present like this when his mind was nothing but chaos, clouding his every thought and perspective of the surroundings and himself. Back in his own world, no one had been aware of these ailments that would from time to time continue haunting Richard's mind and call him further into the depths. The ignorance of the others had allowed Richard to form his own coping mechanism and ways to battle against condition that he could only describe as curse of a witch. Either to push himself through it, close himself off and focus on the matters at the hand, or in the worst scenario: succumb to the voice as the nightmares would slowly chip away more of his heart and soul. For the first case scenario his arrangements with Buckingham had been perfect as his kingmaker would unknowingly force his focus to stay on the present during their long nightly conversations and scheming.
But Silco, like always, was a different story. He could see through the barriers that Richard had build around himself and recognize the hurt within his mind and how the curse distorted the reality in his eyes. But instead of trying to force Richard out of the spell he choose to approach the situation with comfort, allowing the moment to play and die out on its own course.
Richard wasn't sure how he felt about it. Part of him detested the softness that kept him lingering between the two worlds, unable to break him free from the doubts plaguing his mind but also preventing him succumbing to them completely. But then there was the other part of him, a much stronger one, that desperately wanted to cling on hope and acceptance that is offered to him -- despite knowing that it ultimately would serve as another knife piercing his soul.
Richard stays quiet, reacting only minimally to Silco's actions. His gaze lowers down to look down at their joined hands. And as they begin to walk his mind automatically snaps to the distant memory from his past, when he had similarly clung on a guiding hand that pulled him only deeper into the woods. His vision narrows and his heartbeat grows only faster and louder as he is remembering the warning.
Do not let go of this hand.
The walk to the bathroom is not a long one, taking a less than a minute, and yet it felt like an eternity to Richard. And once they're in and door is locked he feels a wave of relief to wash over his body, a heavy sigh finally escaping from him - as if he they had just crossed a long and dangerous threshold. How long had he been holding his breath?
It is also then when Richard finally does register the unknown song that Silco had been humming. He briefly lift his gaze from their joined hands to look at the back of Silco's neck, expression finally shifting and showing some emotion as the uncertainty pushed to the surface.]
[Weakness was frowned upon in Zaun, a fact that many would take advantage of to gain something for themselves. People surrounded themselves with friends, allies and family so that there was always someone watching their back during an inevitable lapse in judgment or a sign of weakness. If one didn't have those things, they were doomed to struggle or be taken advantage of or killed. The higher in the ranks within Zaun ruthless political and economic powers, the less weakness was tolerated.
Some made plays for egos or fabricated stories about one losing their grip. It was the other person's job to twist those tales on their head and prove themselves to be still perfectly capable. It turned into endless squabbling and petty disputes that lost focus on the goal. Weakness was the true killer in his position, so he very often used brutal force and underhanded tactics to keep the focus on the end game and insert how much power he wielded even when others wavered; it drew them back into line, and at worst, he'd wipe them out and elevate someone who could manage the weight of responsibility.
Yet, with Jinx, force had gotten him no where. Her grief and mental illness were so deep that trying to force her out of those with forced focus or strong physical action would only make the situation worse. His tactics had changed to letting it play out but being a solid and constant presence, to build trust when others would take advantage or strike her. He had never, ever struck his daughter, rarely raised his voice and always provided a listening ear even when she was in the full depths of some mad thought or emotion. A calm in the storm.
It was a tactic he thought would work with Richard, being that calm and centering presence that went about closing off extra stimulus. It had worked before when Richard had been attacking the communicator and a few other minor instances. He expected that it would work again here, though the distant look and the stony expression that hid the turmoil beneath told him that this was a particularly bad episode. How bad could they be? He didn't know. Did it matter? Not particularly.
He was adjusting the temperature of the shower when he heard the question, turning his head to regard the younger man standing within in grip. He gave a gentle tug to that hand as he drew them both into the shower, even going so far as to pull Richard against his body if the younger man would allow it as the warm water poured over his skin.]
No one should wander alone in that darkness. [He shrugged, uncaring if the explanation was unsatisfying.] I can't go with you to wherever your mind takes you, but I can remain a point of contact to allow you to find your way out again. If you ever wish to talk about it, I will be an ear to listen to try to understand so I can help you further. Otherwise, hopefully this is what you need.
Edited 2024-09-09 16:19 (UTC)
good that one of us is responsible with the cws...
[The severity of these spells do come with various levels of severity, just as Silco suspected. However, while it's true that the current one that has hold on Richard is stronger than those that Silco had witnessed earlier it still was nowhere near the worst case scenario. It's during those moments when Richard truly loses track of himself and allows his anger and fear guide him through the thick woods, painting the world red with him. Right now, Richard could feel the curse trying coax him deeper into the embrace of the abyss as the self-loath filled desperation clung on him like a second skin. But despite all of that and the distorted vision Richard was in control and kept trying to push past the demons of his own making in hopes of finding the exit of the forest.
It was all easier said than done, of course. The vines tightened their hold around Richard's body, the sharp thorns sinking deeper into his bare flesh, and kept dragging him back like harsh hands pulling him apart. Both his body and mind felt exhausted as he continued to fight against their lure, not wanting to let him succumb and panic here in front of his lover. And he was already faltering as the struggle brought the distress over his face.
The explanation Silco gave him was hardly a satisfactory and failed to provide him any answer. Why would the other man go this far to provide someone like Richard comfort and sense of security? Why would he keep holding his hand even though there was a gap forming between them with the issue of Jinx.
'Richard. Richard', the voice hisses at his ear. 'It's because you're demon. You have bewitched him with that body of yours! Or have you gone truly mad and think that you'd be wanted?'
Once again, Richard lowers his gaze down and presses his lips together into a thin, anxious line. However, this time he does not immediately follow Silco but stands still when the man tries to tug him towards the warm water. The tension and stiffness returns to his body as he tries to close his ears of the curses.
The long and slender fingers curl around Silco's hand, squeezing it harder.]
..I am not mad. [His voice is quiet, only barely audible over the rush of the shower. Richard wasn't sure who he was addressing with his words. Was it Silco or the hooded figure who he knew was there with them, waiting to send their army of demons and spirits after Richard any moment. Then, gritting his teeth together, he steps forward into the warm shower and presses himself against Silco's body, forehead leaning against his shoulder.] I am nothing like him.
[He watched Richard closely even as the gulf of distance grew as he stepped into the shower and the younger man remained at arm's length outside of it. He held on regardless, not providing more than a small gentle tug to let the younger man know that he was there in whatever imagery that Richard was enduring. Was it the same as Jinx? He doubted it, though they had never discussed the specifics as he had with his daughter.
The expression on Richard's face was enough to tell him all he needed to know about the internal struggle, and it was not his fight. He fought the battles beyond them in the physical world and provided a safe space for what needed to be fought internally where no one else could see. His job was to protect so that weakness was never shown beyond those walls as much as he could.
But this wasn't Jinx. These weren't her demons. This was Richard, a man who had fallen into bed with him for the last three months. A man with many, many unspoken secrets, few of which Silco could claim to know anything about. They were, in a sense, private men even with each other, accepting one another as monstrous and basking in that with their togetherness.
Why was he protecting Richard? Why was he putting efforts into hiding these vulnerabilities from the world? Did he see some of his daughter's struggles in this man?
Despite his own swirling thoughts hidden behind his mismatched eyes, he was watching and listening for signs this would go one way or the other. A keen sense of hearing was one of the few physical senses that remained well intact.]
No, you are not. You fight internal battles against foes you brought with you from childhood. [That was a guess on his part from years of exposure to abused and traumatized children, the closest being his daughter. He welcomed Richard in against him, curling an arm around the younger man's waist and still refusing to relinquish that gentle hold on Richard's hand.] Nothing like who, hmm?
[Richard keeps quiet, not saying anything to either confirm or deny Silco's speculation. But it's not too far from the truth, at least as far as Richard's concerned. After all, it's not like he ever truly left the forest. Not even the light that was his father could save him from there. Maybe it truly was like his mother always said, that he had been eaten by a witch living there.
His own free hand slides up against Silco's forearm, all the way until his fingers can curl around his shoulder. Richard grits his teeth together and the breath leaving from his is so ragged and violent that it makes his entire upper body tremble as he tries to push down the pain that keeps trying to push through the surface.]
Henry the Sixth. [The barbs of the vine coul tightly around his throat, choking him so that the name comes out as a pained hiss through his teeth.] The mad king who I killed. [He really, really does not want to visit that memory. But he knows the door into that is opened it will not close up again, the darkness spreading and tainting his mind like a disease.
Henry had been mad, yes. But more than that he had been a coward. Always running away and hiding from everything. Either by fleeing from his responsibilities and take on the role of a shepherd, or by escaping into the depths of his mind, blocking the memories and world around him. Richard was not like that. He never had the luxury to run away, no. Instead he always faced his adversities and struggles head-on. There was no place for him to hide away.
Just like here. They had something they needed to deal with, right. Something important to discuss over.
Almost reluctantly, Richard lets go of Silco's hand and steps away from him. He turns his back to the other man as he reaches to grab the soap, beginning to rub the bar on his skin.]
Your daughter, [He begins, voice reaching for distant disability.] What do you wish to do about her demands?
Edited (i need to stop pressing enter too fast.......!) 2024-09-11 20:44 (UTC)
[His arm tightened around Richard's waist as the younger man's fingers gripped his shoulder, but the tension remained obvious based on Richard's gritted expression. He thought that the younger man was about to slide into a panic attack or perhaps take a swing at him as both were spectrums that could come from such an expression.
He didn't know who Henry the Sixth was, but the way that Richard spoke of the man left little room to investigate why the man was mad or why he created such a visceral reaction in Richard. However, there was someone who could potentially answer that question and provide insight to this figure who plagued the younger man so. Why would Richard never wish to be like him? Was it the madness?]
His memory plagues you like a thorn in your mind. [He had someone like that, though that visceral reaction had faded over the years.
Silco didn't fight to keep their physical closeness, releasing Richard and watched the younger man turn away from him. Someone had once told him that secrets would fracture any closeness he might ever attempt; he didn't even recall who after all these years. He'd probably killed them. Yet, the distance felt far larger than it was in reality, and he felt himself pulling back in a subtle protective gesture in return.
He pushed a hand through his wet hair, slicking it back towards his skull as he stepped further under the water to wash quickly. He hummed softly at the question.]
Our options are to keep this between us longer and risk her making stronger attempts to find us together to verify her claims, or we admit and attempt controlling the narrative that way. Both come with risks. [He spoke as a man weighing a tactical decision.] Or... we cease this liaison, and she will leave you alone where I'm concerned.
[Which he knew Jinx wanted potentially more than an admittance from them both. He wasn't certain selfishness would allow him to do that, but if Richard was under considerable pressure and concern about said secrets, he would understand the unwillingness to take risk.]
[A dry, almost surreal scoff leaves from Richard. That statement is an understatement of a lifetime. No matter how many times he tried to suffocate the memory of the man it always somehow found a way to slither back to his mind like a deadly vermin. Despite all his best efforts to kill and freeze his own soul it was no use. Leaving him with desire to rip out his heart out of his chest just so that he wouldn't be tormented by this pain any more.]
He is the man who murdered my father. [His voice comes off like croak, breaking apart in his throat. Richard had never hidden his affection and respect he held towards his father, and he hoped that this revelation would be enough to satisfy Silco's curiosity and make him leave the topic alone.
Richard continues to rub the bar of soap on his body, until he is covered in faint coat of light bubbles. Like always, the sensation felt jarring against his burned arm and damaged nerves. But right now it was actually welcomed feeling as it worked as distraction from the creeping fear and increasing anxiety. Because if Silco's words had any effect on him he did not show it, keeping his back turned to him and expression neutral.
Ultimately he agrees with Silco. There were only so many paths they could take in this situation. However, he could tell that the other man was avoiding the question]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
traumaticus) wrote2022-08-15 11:44 pm
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He hadn't really cared for the girl that much the begin with, aside from some mild curiosity, but he had seen the bond between her and Silco and that was something he respected. The closeness of the duo did bring fond memories of his own connection to his now passed father. However, with these recent antics of her that could very well be described as harassment, she had made herself to be an eyesore. And Richard was having hard time keeping himself neutral to her. It actually makes him miss Buckingham and his shameless and cunning mind.
But seeing that he was still alone here, Richard had kept quiet about Jinx's latest attempts to reach out to him. After all, he had said to Silco that he would not require his help when dealing with the daughter. That, and part of him did not wish to create a ripple between the family. Not now, anyway.
Richard had resigned himself to bed when he had seen the message from Silco, curling up in the sheets and trying to catch sleep. It had, of course, been an useless attempt as his mind was wide awake, too occupied by the thoughts and anticipation of knowing that there would soon be another body lying next to him -- unknowingly shielding him from the horrors of his own nightmares and coldness of the isolation. It truly was becoming like with Buckingham, as Richard found himself more and more relying on Silco's presence to be able rest in his own bed.
So, when Silco had arrived and joined him in the bed Richard felt a relief wash over him. He reached to take Silco's hand to his own, sighed deep and allowed his body finally relax as the long wait was finally over. It didn't take long until he found himself falling asleep on the man's arms.
He did not wake to Silco stirring in the bed nor to him getting up and coming back in. In fact, Richard stays in the blissful, dreamless slumber for a while. It is only when the first shy morning lights begin to peek inside from his window, waking up the early birds and inviting them to sing when Richard finally slipped back to consciousness. Slowly blinking his sleepy eyes open he glanced up at Silco and wordlessly moved his injured hand to place it on top of the other's, seeking for connection.]
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He had never actually pondered the possibility back in their world, but death then coming here had slowed his life down. He had to work to build his empire back up, and he had less associates to spread his webs out and had to do so personally. And family drama had followed him, but he could deal with that because it was personal for them and an annoyance to him.
Now he was sharing Richard's bed, and he found himself enjoying the younger man's company. Oh he recognized that the Duke was a danger to him both physically and in the future if motivation for ruling took over, but if anything that made what they had even more intriguing. Richard was a strange broken puzzle who somehow found comfort in a monster like him on a different level than he had with others.
He was drawn from his thoughts and his gaze regressed from that thousand mile stare as he felt the younger man stir next to him and a hand on his own. He sighed from his nose and shifted to stretch his shoulders that had stiffened from sitting in one position too long. Then he moved to lay down next to Richard again, pressing his forehead against the younger man's temple.]
We need to talk. It's safe to assume that Jinx is making accusations at you; she's been doing that to me for the last few days. [Good morning with that heavy topic. He closed his blue eye and gave Richard space to wake up now that he had set the stage.] She's... a handful when she's jealous and thinks I have secrets from her. [To say the least.]
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Except then comes the words, bursting the bubble that Richard had built around them through the night. So much for slow and calm morning, huh. His hand stills for a brief second and the expression on his face changes, brows knitting together in a frown and lips pressing together into a thin line. Well, at least he is awake now.
Richard ceases his stroking and pulls his hand away, turning his head to face at the ceiling.]
..I do not appreciate the tone she takes with me.
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Yet, the warm moment was soured with his words, and he wished he could regret them. He couldn't though, aware that he and Richard were wise enough to understand that they had lost control of both their 'secret' and the narrative that went with it. That was dangerous to them both.
He pulled his face away and rolled onto his back so he too could stare at the ceiling. And perhaps to give Richard distance if the younger man would prefer to be away from him.]
I don't know what exactly occurred between the two of you, but it appears she has the same sentiment about you. I have an idea based on the fact that you've openly stated that you're married. [Richard came from a time period that did remind him of the books he read about Piltover's upper class.] It will only grow worse from here. We've lost control of any peace or secrecy we may hope to have about this.
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However, whether he had been aware of it or not didn't mean that Richard liked having to face it at all. The usual darkness awakens from the back of his mind, calling forth the anxieties that made his heart beat fast and his lungs within his rib cage feel far too tight. But instead of the fear it was irritation that rose to the surface.
Yes. He had mentioned being married. But what else he could have done? Deny Anne? Ridiculous. Especially when there were people present in this world who knew of him and his life. Such lie would be easily caught and trampled. And why should he have to lie about his status. Richard wasn't ashamed of his marriage, or his wife. If anything they both legitimized his status and worth -- working as a shield from piercing rumors and accusations.]
I do not owe her explanation of my actions or the choices I have made. [He says, voice thin and cold. He then sits up on the bed, for once not caring to cover himself.] I have left her alone. It is her who keeps harassing me. If she truly wants to follow me and insult me with her heckles I will not stand by and do nothing. She is no longer a child.
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When Richard sat up, the gulf of space - which wasn't all that large - seemed huge. He reached up and pushed his fingers through his hair to pull it from falling into his face. It stayed here, mingling the growing streak of silver with the brown, and he watched Richard with his mismatched gaze.]
We come from different worlds and different traditions. In my city, marriage of legitimacy are not common, and wandering to another's bed while in marriage is a good way to have one's liver removed with a knife. She is... concerned about loyalty. [He sighed as he considered the notion he was technically Richard's dirty secret, but then again, the younger man had much to hide in the way of secrets. He was likely the least of them. Yet, would it matter in the end?]
She won't stop until we openly admit to her we are... [He trialed off; they had never put a label on what they were before. They'd technically made no official commitment to whatever this was. They just... kept meeting.] I will understand if her behaviour is overwhelming and you'd prefer to not have a part in it....
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If I were to discover another sleeping in my wife's bed it would very well be in my rights to plunge a knife into him. Marriage is not a joke to us either. [He states, feeling a need to defend his own world and culture, not wanting to leave any room for doubt for disloyalty or dishonor. Marriage was a sacred bond, something that no lover should be able to disturb. In normal situations, at least. Although, there was nothing normal about Richard's own circumstances and marriage with Anne.
And it was that abnormality that allowed him to be involved in this secret between him and Silco. They were both men who carried darkness with them that set them apart from most of the rest, something that made them just a little bit more like monsters than men. Being aware of what to show and what to keep under discretion was essential for their survival, so keeping this... affair, if one wanted to call it that, in secrecy aligned perfectly with that line of thought. Even in a city of sinners like this one, it only felt natural to stay quiet about their involvement. After all, what they did was no one else's business but theirs.
There is a brief pause while Richard remains mute, lips sealed shut as he tried to tamper down his anger. The tension builds up around his shoulders and Richard curls his fingers around the edges of the blanket. Does he want to deal with Jinx? Quite frankly no. Not if it is going to be like this.]
And? Does she wish us to make a similar humiliating announcement as the other person did the other day when confessing his affections towards a jester?
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So I can expect if she makes her way here and finds us like this that I'll be fending off a knife slipping between my ribs? [The marriage discussion was clearly a messy one, perhaps even more so than the Jinx one, though not by much.] If it's not a joke, why are we doing this, Richard? Because she isn't here or because she doesn't know how similar we are to one another?
[There were some aspects of oneself that couldn't be shown to everyone; he had the confidence to lean into being a monster. It's what those of his world expected him to be, and so he would for his own goals. It seemed to him that Richard was the same, and he didn't deny that there was considerable comfort and pleasure with someone he didn't have to justify his actions to or mince his words with.
He huffed softly at the question, reaching out to stroke a hand down the middle of Richard's back.] I would never make any public announcement. My business is mine. No, I believe she wants me and by extension you to admit we are sleeping together, that we don't avoid dropping one another's names or deflecting any further.
[Would it make things better? Probably not. She had already spat at him that she would never forgive Richard or himself for refusing to name drop in the first place.]
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The question leaves Richard quiet. Why were doing this, indeed? On one hand the answer was rather simple: because they were lonely and could find remedy to that in these moments. But then again, it is everything but simple. Richard was married and, despite his seemingly uncaring behavior, he held respect to that union between him and Anne. When the stage had been set, players put in the places and trap activated for him to gain the control of the crown it had been her judgement that had the final say. Without Anne's support, Richard wouldn't have proceeded in his final act of deceit.
And yet. He was here, with another man in his bed out of all things. Betraying Anne once again.
"That is because you're a demon, Richard. You can't help it. Your every desire is a sin." A dark voice speaks to him somewhere from the shadows. Richard doesn't move to acknowledge the voice, but he is very well aware that if he were to do as much as turn to look to his left he'd see a familiar hooded, faceless figure cursing him.]
You knew about her. Why does it bother you now? [Richard hadn't been shy revealing his marital status to others, Silco included. He had even shone light about his situation with Buckingham to the other man and it had not seemed to bother him. If anything Silco had promised to stay by his side and fill the void of solitude. So, what had changed? The doubt spread to his body, making his breathing and heartbeat quicker as these uncertain thoughts plagued his mind.
The touch makes him shiver a little, fingers curling tighter around the edges of the blanket.] A truth like that is dangerous when let out of confident. You know that.
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[He shifted his other arm behind his head, fingers flicking against each other to prevent him from giving his away his normal tells. His hand remained stroking up and down Richard's back, feeling the tension in those muscles.] She's not here. Neither is he. It doesn't bother me because I'm aware of the potential... finality of this if one or both make their way here. [Well, maybe not the first person but definitely the second.
He sighed and stared at the ceiling. He was still convinced they had lost the narrative and keeping this a secret between them could escalate matters beyond what they could reasonably control.] I do know, yes. I also know that controlling information is imperative for both of us. Are you... ashamed of this?
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There is a painful sting in Richard's chest when Silco brings up his kingmaker again. The desperation hammering into his heart like a sharp wooden stake. He hates just how mentioning the possibility of Buckingham arriving is enough to fill him with the merciless hope, clawing new wounds to his soul over the old ones. It reminded him of the days of the past when he had looked at different source of light - hoping to see a glimpse of those gentle eyes looking at his way. The memory brought a sour taste to his mouth, making Richard loathe himself even more.]
..It's not that. [Because in the end, it wasn't this connection that he was ashamed of. No, the source for it lied with himself and his own, bottomless pit of self-hate. Despite their shared similarities in privacy, Richad was not like Silco. He could not let the people see the monster that he was in broad daylight.] Why haven't you told her yet?
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[He noted that Richard didn't answer the question, nor rebutted the accurate statement that the younger man would most definitely walk away if the 'other' came to this place. It was inevitable, and he closed his blue eye as he reminded himself of that.] Then what is it?
[The question drew a low hum from his throat. Before he had come here in the early hours of the morning, he had asked himself that same question and parsed out an answer for himself. Would it satisfy? Did matter?] Because I was protecting you. Your secrets are yours to give when and to whom you wish to.
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It is cruel, he knows, and that he is no better than Warwick who used both of his daughters as bargaining chips as he tried to form alliances left and right just to destroy Edward. He was using Anne the same way to ensure his own claim and secure himself. But what else can be expected of a demon like him?
Yet another heavy silence falls between them as the direct questioning continues. However, it is very different within Richard's own mind as the voice from before is screaming at him again, shouting the curses at him and forcing his mind even further into isolation.
'Demon, demon!', 'To an undigested and deformed lump!'
Richard can feel his chest and throat tightening, making it hard to breath. Letting go off the blanket he brings his hands over his temples and pulls his knees up towards his bare chest, curling up more to himself.]
It is a sin. [He says eventually with a quiet voice, feeling the distance between growing as he knew that Silco would most likely not be able to understand this reason.] I am demon who pulls others into the darkness to satisfy my own desires.
['Your every desire is a crime.' That is the truth that he can't let out of this confined room. Silco might be able to stand tall and proud in his skin of monster, but Richard had so much to lose. Even here in Aldrip, with this Chosen still looking at him.
But the unexpected confession is enough to cut through the curse and silencing the dark voice for a moment, pulling him back to the present from the depths of his mind. A brief wave of disbelief washes through his mind and lowers his hands just enough to catch a glimpse at Silco.]
Has that changed?
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This was not it. As he watched the younger man curl into himself towards the fetal position, he found himself warring with reaction. On one hand, it was a statement of the trust they had built that he could pick out this vulnerability, but on the other, this weakness would damn whatever this was. He was all for games of the word, but he also was plainly straight-forward on certain topics and expected others who had earned his trust to do the same.
Yet, the claim of a sin actually earned a sharp noise from him, and he set his elbow to the mattress too push himself up to sit. He shifted so their bodies were close together without being in direct contact. He put his mouth close to Richard's hand covered ear.] What is sin but the declaration of someone standing from an ivory tower telling you that you aren't good enough? We are allowed to give into our desires; we are allowed to seek happiness and pleasure and fortune and knowledge.
You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.
[He shrugged his bare shoulders as if nonchalant about the idea of sin. Which ones? He valued loyalty over anything else, but he understood that everyone had an agenda and a limitation.
He tilted his head to meet Richard's gaze, leaning in so he could rest his chin on the younger man's shoulder.]
I still haven't told her. [So no, it hadn't changed.
It was, of course, only partial truth. There were more complex reasons beyond protecting Richard's bodily secrets. He wanted to; he wanted this; he was lonely even when in a room full of people; he wanted to protect them; he wanted to protect Jinx. On and on it went if he scratched to the deeper levels.]
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The touch helps to keep Richard grounded in the presence, preventing him from falling too deep into the dark depths of his own nightmares. At first, at least. Because when he words fall from Silco's lips Richard can feel his stomach dropping and his soul being pulled back.
'You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.' That is because the forbidden fruit is always the most sweetest. Or so he would normally image a reply to such statement if it wasn't for the lingering implication behind the words that he had indeed tempted the other.
'That is what you always do. Ruin people with those sweet words slipping past your lips and with that demon body of yours!' The voice speaks back to him, heckling as the entire room is covered in the thick black veil, blocking the morning with its light and sounds from entering the room. The veins are coiling around him again, pressing the spikes against his flesh.
Richard's eyes turns away from Silco once again, focusing in the distant spot on the wall, trying to shake off the anxiety from his skin and fight against the panic that threatens to swallow him whole.]
But you want to. [He says eventually, tongue heavy and words tasting like rot in his mouth. Keeping his expression neutral he slips further away on the mattress and moves towards the edge of the bed. ] I will need to wash. We should continue this discussion after that with a meal.
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The distance between them seemed to gulf quickly even before Richard made motion to move away from him, and he expected that there was something that he said which had had the opposite effect that he had intended. For all intensive purposes, this conversation and all of its topics were over, and they had to start from scratch slowly and carefully once... whatever this was passed.
He sighed from his nose when Richard eased away, and he pushed his fingers through his hair as he watched the younger man retreat away. This was one of those 'I will hide under the desk with you' moments, he expected, though very, very different with Richard. The tells were similar.
Silco gathered himself, tucking away all the vulnerabilities he might want to expose and straightened his spine. Like that, he set his shoulders and threw off the blankets and slipped from the bed, making a point of stretching casually.] I will join you then.
[He came around the bed and offered a hand to Richard, gesturing with his head towards the bathroom.] Let's go. We don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. Just us enjoying indoor plumbing and clean water.
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The words spoken to him echoes from somewhere in the distance, pushing through the rustling of leaves and the creaking of the branches that extended their claw-like twigs towards him. The voice is laughing at him as he reaches out to place his hand on top of the offered palm. The movement, as simple it is, feels heavy and difficult as the vines kept clinging on him.
Once he's taken the hand, Richard uses it to pull himself off the bed and to his feet. He moves completely on autopilot, neutral eyes not reflecting the turmoil and storm raging in his mind.
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That finished, he gave a small uninsistent tug to Richard hand as he took them both to the bathroom and shut the door behind them. At the same time as they begun to walk, he simply hummed a little soft tune of Zaun. There was no need to talk and honestly, in a state like that, words could make things worse than better so he didn't bother.
He pulled them both to the shower and tub, urging Richard in as he turned on the water with the other hand. He let the younger man choose where to sit or stand in the step up as he concentrated on making certain the water was an acceptable temperature. The sound of his humming increased to be heard over the sound of water. He did not release his grip on Richard's hand unless it was because the younger man pulled away from him. Never the other way around.]
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But Silco, like always, was a different story. He could see through the barriers that Richard had build around himself and recognize the hurt within his mind and how the curse distorted the reality in his eyes. But instead of trying to force Richard out of the spell he choose to approach the situation with comfort, allowing the moment to play and die out on its own course.
Richard wasn't sure how he felt about it. Part of him detested the softness that kept him lingering between the two worlds, unable to break him free from the doubts plaguing his mind but also preventing him succumbing to them completely. But then there was the other part of him, a much stronger one, that desperately wanted to cling on hope and acceptance that is offered to him -- despite knowing that it ultimately would serve as another knife piercing his soul.
Richard stays quiet, reacting only minimally to Silco's actions. His gaze lowers down to look down at their joined hands. And as they begin to walk his mind automatically snaps to the distant memory from his past, when he had similarly clung on a guiding hand that pulled him only deeper into the woods. His vision narrows and his heartbeat grows only faster and louder as he is remembering the warning.
Do not let go of this hand.
The walk to the bathroom is not a long one, taking a less than a minute, and yet it felt like an eternity to Richard. And once they're in and door is locked he feels a wave of relief to wash over his body, a heavy sigh finally escaping from him - as if he they had just crossed a long and dangerous threshold. How long had he been holding his breath?
It is also then when Richard finally does register the unknown song that Silco had been humming. He briefly lift his gaze from their joined hands to look at the back of Silco's neck, expression finally shifting and showing some emotion as the uncertainty pushed to the surface.]
Why are you doing this?
cw: mental illness
Some made plays for egos or fabricated stories about one losing their grip. It was the other person's job to twist those tales on their head and prove themselves to be still perfectly capable. It turned into endless squabbling and petty disputes that lost focus on the goal. Weakness was the true killer in his position, so he very often used brutal force and underhanded tactics to keep the focus on the end game and insert how much power he wielded even when others wavered; it drew them back into line, and at worst, he'd wipe them out and elevate someone who could manage the weight of responsibility.
Yet, with Jinx, force had gotten him no where. Her grief and mental illness were so deep that trying to force her out of those with forced focus or strong physical action would only make the situation worse. His tactics had changed to letting it play out but being a solid and constant presence, to build trust when others would take advantage or strike her. He had never, ever struck his daughter, rarely raised his voice and always provided a listening ear even when she was in the full depths of some mad thought or emotion. A calm in the storm.
It was a tactic he thought would work with Richard, being that calm and centering presence that went about closing off extra stimulus. It had worked before when Richard had been attacking the communicator and a few other minor instances. He expected that it would work again here, though the distant look and the stony expression that hid the turmoil beneath told him that this was a particularly bad episode. How bad could they be? He didn't know. Did it matter? Not particularly.
He was adjusting the temperature of the shower when he heard the question, turning his head to regard the younger man standing within in grip. He gave a gentle tug to that hand as he drew them both into the shower, even going so far as to pull Richard against his body if the younger man would allow it as the warm water poured over his skin.]
No one should wander alone in that darkness. [He shrugged, uncaring if the explanation was unsatisfying.] I can't go with you to wherever your mind takes you, but I can remain a point of contact to allow you to find your way out again. If you ever wish to talk about it, I will be an ear to listen to try to understand so I can help you further. Otherwise, hopefully this is what you need.
good that one of us is responsible with the cws...
It was all easier said than done, of course. The vines tightened their hold around Richard's body, the sharp thorns sinking deeper into his bare flesh, and kept dragging him back like harsh hands pulling him apart. Both his body and mind felt exhausted as he continued to fight against their lure, not wanting to let him succumb and panic here in front of his lover. And he was already faltering as the struggle brought the distress over his face.
The explanation Silco gave him was hardly a satisfactory and failed to provide him any answer. Why would the other man go this far to provide someone like Richard comfort and sense of security? Why would he keep holding his hand even though there was a gap forming between them with the issue of Jinx.
'Richard. Richard', the voice hisses at his ear. 'It's because you're demon. You have bewitched him with that body of yours! Or have you gone truly mad and think that you'd be wanted?'
Once again, Richard lowers his gaze down and presses his lips together into a thin, anxious line. However, this time he does not immediately follow Silco but stands still when the man tries to tug him towards the warm water. The tension and stiffness returns to his body as he tries to close his ears of the curses.
The long and slender fingers curl around Silco's hand, squeezing it harder.]
..I am not mad. [His voice is quiet, only barely audible over the rush of the shower. Richard wasn't sure who he was addressing with his words. Was it Silco or the hooded figure who he knew was there with them, waiting to send their army of demons and spirits after Richard any moment. Then, gritting his teeth together, he steps forward into the warm shower and presses himself against Silco's body, forehead leaning against his shoulder.] I am nothing like him.
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The expression on Richard's face was enough to tell him all he needed to know about the internal struggle, and it was not his fight. He fought the battles beyond them in the physical world and provided a safe space for what needed to be fought internally where no one else could see. His job was to protect so that weakness was never shown beyond those walls as much as he could.
But this wasn't Jinx. These weren't her demons. This was Richard, a man who had fallen into bed with him for the last three months. A man with many, many unspoken secrets, few of which Silco could claim to know anything about. They were, in a sense, private men even with each other, accepting one another as monstrous and basking in that with their togetherness.
Why was he protecting Richard? Why was he putting efforts into hiding these vulnerabilities from the world? Did he see some of his daughter's struggles in this man?
Despite his own swirling thoughts hidden behind his mismatched eyes, he was watching and listening for signs this would go one way or the other. A keen sense of hearing was one of the few physical senses that remained well intact.]
No, you are not. You fight internal battles against foes you brought with you from childhood. [That was a guess on his part from years of exposure to abused and traumatized children, the closest being his daughter. He welcomed Richard in against him, curling an arm around the younger man's waist and still refusing to relinquish that gentle hold on Richard's hand.] Nothing like who, hmm?
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His own free hand slides up against Silco's forearm, all the way until his fingers can curl around his shoulder. Richard grits his teeth together and the breath leaving from his is so ragged and violent that it makes his entire upper body tremble as he tries to push down the pain that keeps trying to push through the surface.]
Henry the Sixth. [The barbs of the vine coul tightly around his throat, choking him so that the name comes out as a pained hiss through his teeth.] The mad king who I killed. [He really, really does not want to visit that memory. But he knows the door into that is opened it will not close up again, the darkness spreading and tainting his mind like a disease.
Henry had been mad, yes. But more than that he had been a coward. Always running away and hiding from everything. Either by fleeing from his responsibilities and take on the role of a shepherd, or by escaping into the depths of his mind, blocking the memories and world around him. Richard was not like that. He never had the luxury to run away, no. Instead he always faced his adversities and struggles head-on. There was no place for him to hide away.
Just like here. They had something they needed to deal with, right. Something important to discuss over.
Almost reluctantly, Richard lets go of Silco's hand and steps away from him. He turns his back to the other man as he reaches to grab the soap, beginning to rub the bar on his skin.]
Your daughter, [He begins, voice reaching for distant disability.] What do you wish to do about her demands?
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He didn't know who Henry the Sixth was, but the way that Richard spoke of the man left little room to investigate why the man was mad or why he created such a visceral reaction in Richard. However, there was someone who could potentially answer that question and provide insight to this figure who plagued the younger man so. Why would Richard never wish to be like him? Was it the madness?]
His memory plagues you like a thorn in your mind. [He had someone like that, though that visceral reaction had faded over the years.
Silco didn't fight to keep their physical closeness, releasing Richard and watched the younger man turn away from him. Someone had once told him that secrets would fracture any closeness he might ever attempt; he didn't even recall who after all these years. He'd probably killed them. Yet, the distance felt far larger than it was in reality, and he felt himself pulling back in a subtle protective gesture in return.
He pushed a hand through his wet hair, slicking it back towards his skull as he stepped further under the water to wash quickly. He hummed softly at the question.]
Our options are to keep this between us longer and risk her making stronger attempts to find us together to verify her claims, or we admit and attempt controlling the narrative that way. Both come with risks. [He spoke as a man weighing a tactical decision.] Or... we cease this liaison, and she will leave you alone where I'm concerned.
[Which he knew Jinx wanted potentially more than an admittance from them both. He wasn't certain selfishness would allow him to do that, but if Richard was under considerable pressure and concern about said secrets, he would understand the unwillingness to take risk.]
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He is the man who murdered my father. [His voice comes off like croak, breaking apart in his throat. Richard had never hidden his affection and respect he held towards his father, and he hoped that this revelation would be enough to satisfy Silco's curiosity and make him leave the topic alone.
Richard continues to rub the bar of soap on his body, until he is covered in faint coat of light bubbles. Like always, the sensation felt jarring against his burned arm and damaged nerves. But right now it was actually welcomed feeling as it worked as distraction from the creeping fear and increasing anxiety. Because if Silco's words had any effect on him he did not show it, keeping his back turned to him and expression neutral.
Ultimately he agrees with Silco. There were only so many paths they could take in this situation. However, he could tell that the other man was avoiding the question]
And.. What is that you wish to do?
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tl;dr
the delicious inner monologue
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cw: child abuse
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🎀?
🎀