[Silco was able to watch Richard withdraw more and more into himself that further this conversation went, pulling away not physically but in every other way. He expected it was a self-protective gesture, to hide in plain sight when put under scrutiny, and there were plenty of times when Richard's silence had been answer enough.
This was not it. As he watched the younger man curl into himself towards the fetal position, he found himself warring with reaction. On one hand, it was a statement of the trust they had built that he could pick out this vulnerability, but on the other, this weakness would damn whatever this was. He was all for games of the word, but he also was plainly straight-forward on certain topics and expected others who had earned his trust to do the same.
Yet, the claim of a sin actually earned a sharp noise from him, and he set his elbow to the mattress too push himself up to sit. He shifted so their bodies were close together without being in direct contact. He put his mouth close to Richard's hand covered ear.] What is sin but the declaration of someone standing from an ivory tower telling you that you aren't good enough? We are allowed to give into our desires; we are allowed to seek happiness and pleasure and fortune and knowledge.
You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.
[He shrugged his bare shoulders as if nonchalant about the idea of sin. Which ones? He valued loyalty over anything else, but he understood that everyone had an agenda and a limitation.
He tilted his head to meet Richard's gaze, leaning in so he could rest his chin on the younger man's shoulder.]
I still haven't told her. [So no, it hadn't changed.
It was, of course, only partial truth. There were more complex reasons beyond protecting Richard's bodily secrets. He wanted to; he wanted this; he was lonely even when in a room full of people; he wanted to protect them; he wanted to protect Jinx. On and on it went if he scratched to the deeper levels.]
[He doesn't understand. How is one supposed to ignore the voices coming off the ivory tower when the one judging you is no other than the God and the order of life itself? One who sins is prohibited from ever touching the light. That is why they must display the utmost discreet to not be caught when moving in the shadows.
The touch helps to keep Richard grounded in the presence, preventing him from falling too deep into the dark depths of his own nightmares. At first, at least. Because when he words fall from Silco's lips Richard can feel his stomach dropping and his soul being pulled back.
'You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.' That is because the forbidden fruit is always the most sweetest. Or so he would normally image a reply to such statement if it wasn't for the lingering implication behind the words that he had indeed tempted the other.
'That is what you always do. Ruin people with those sweet words slipping past your lips and with that demon body of yours!' The voice speaks back to him, heckling as the entire room is covered in the thick black veil, blocking the morning with its light and sounds from entering the room. The veins are coiling around him again, pressing the spikes against his flesh.
Richard's eyes turns away from Silco once again, focusing in the distant spot on the wall, trying to shake off the anxiety from his skin and fight against the panic that threatens to swallow him whole.]
But you want to. [He says eventually, tongue heavy and words tasting like rot in his mouth. Keeping his expression neutral he slips further away on the mattress and moves towards the edge of the bed. ] I will need to wash. We should continue this discussion after that with a meal.
[It's like a growing wave next to him, the air thickening with a palpable pressure that he only had an ability to look out for because he had already raised an emotionally traumatized daughter. He remained close, of course, thinking his physical presence may be enough to stave off whatever black hole that Richard's thoughts were falling into.
The distance between them seemed to gulf quickly even before Richard made motion to move away from him, and he expected that there was something that he said which had had the opposite effect that he had intended. For all intensive purposes, this conversation and all of its topics were over, and they had to start from scratch slowly and carefully once... whatever this was passed.
He sighed from his nose when Richard eased away, and he pushed his fingers through his hair as he watched the younger man retreat away. This was one of those 'I will hide under the desk with you' moments, he expected, though very, very different with Richard. The tells were similar.
Silco gathered himself, tucking away all the vulnerabilities he might want to expose and straightened his spine. Like that, he set his shoulders and threw off the blankets and slipped from the bed, making a point of stretching casually.] I will join you then.
[He came around the bed and offered a hand to Richard, gesturing with his head towards the bathroom.] Let's go. We don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. Just us enjoying indoor plumbing and clean water.
[Richard is already halfway off the bed, pushing the blanket aside and planning to reach for the rose-patterned night robe that he had shed on the chair near the bed earlier, when he feels the mattress dip and shift underneath him. Wordlessly he turns his head to look over his shoulder and watches Silco to move and get up, circling around the bed to his side. Everything happens in slow motion in his eyes, as if he was watching a repeat of a distant memory, like a play of sorts that happens in front of him but not to him.
The words spoken to him echoes from somewhere in the distance, pushing through the rustling of leaves and the creaking of the branches that extended their claw-like twigs towards him. The voice is laughing at him as he reaches out to place his hand on top of the offered palm. The movement, as simple it is, feels heavy and difficult as the vines kept clinging on him.
Once he's taken the hand, Richard uses it to pull himself off the bed and to his feet. He moves completely on autopilot, neutral eyes not reflecting the turmoil and storm raging in his mind.
[He pulled Richard up to stand without much effort on his part, yet pulled the younger man close enough that he could lean in to press his lips to Richard's forehead, lingering for a time there.
That finished, he gave a small uninsistent tug to Richard hand as he took them both to the bathroom and shut the door behind them. At the same time as they begun to walk, he simply hummed a little soft tune of Zaun. There was no need to talk and honestly, in a state like that, words could make things worse than better so he didn't bother.
He pulled them both to the shower and tub, urging Richard in as he turned on the water with the other hand. He let the younger man choose where to sit or stand in the step up as he concentrated on making certain the water was an acceptable temperature. The sound of his humming increased to be heard over the sound of water. He did not release his grip on Richard's hand unless it was because the younger man pulled away from him. Never the other way around.]
[It was a strange thing, to have someone else present like this when his mind was nothing but chaos, clouding his every thought and perspective of the surroundings and himself. Back in his own world, no one had been aware of these ailments that would from time to time continue haunting Richard's mind and call him further into the depths. The ignorance of the others had allowed Richard to form his own coping mechanism and ways to battle against condition that he could only describe as curse of a witch. Either to push himself through it, close himself off and focus on the matters at the hand, or in the worst scenario: succumb to the voice as the nightmares would slowly chip away more of his heart and soul. For the first case scenario his arrangements with Buckingham had been perfect as his kingmaker would unknowingly force his focus to stay on the present during their long nightly conversations and scheming.
But Silco, like always, was a different story. He could see through the barriers that Richard had build around himself and recognize the hurt within his mind and how the curse distorted the reality in his eyes. But instead of trying to force Richard out of the spell he choose to approach the situation with comfort, allowing the moment to play and die out on its own course.
Richard wasn't sure how he felt about it. Part of him detested the softness that kept him lingering between the two worlds, unable to break him free from the doubts plaguing his mind but also preventing him succumbing to them completely. But then there was the other part of him, a much stronger one, that desperately wanted to cling on hope and acceptance that is offered to him -- despite knowing that it ultimately would serve as another knife piercing his soul.
Richard stays quiet, reacting only minimally to Silco's actions. His gaze lowers down to look down at their joined hands. And as they begin to walk his mind automatically snaps to the distant memory from his past, when he had similarly clung on a guiding hand that pulled him only deeper into the woods. His vision narrows and his heartbeat grows only faster and louder as he is remembering the warning.
Do not let go of this hand.
The walk to the bathroom is not a long one, taking a less than a minute, and yet it felt like an eternity to Richard. And once they're in and door is locked he feels a wave of relief to wash over his body, a heavy sigh finally escaping from him - as if he they had just crossed a long and dangerous threshold. How long had he been holding his breath?
It is also then when Richard finally does register the unknown song that Silco had been humming. He briefly lift his gaze from their joined hands to look at the back of Silco's neck, expression finally shifting and showing some emotion as the uncertainty pushed to the surface.]
[Weakness was frowned upon in Zaun, a fact that many would take advantage of to gain something for themselves. People surrounded themselves with friends, allies and family so that there was always someone watching their back during an inevitable lapse in judgment or a sign of weakness. If one didn't have those things, they were doomed to struggle or be taken advantage of or killed. The higher in the ranks within Zaun ruthless political and economic powers, the less weakness was tolerated.
Some made plays for egos or fabricated stories about one losing their grip. It was the other person's job to twist those tales on their head and prove themselves to be still perfectly capable. It turned into endless squabbling and petty disputes that lost focus on the goal. Weakness was the true killer in his position, so he very often used brutal force and underhanded tactics to keep the focus on the end game and insert how much power he wielded even when others wavered; it drew them back into line, and at worst, he'd wipe them out and elevate someone who could manage the weight of responsibility.
Yet, with Jinx, force had gotten him no where. Her grief and mental illness were so deep that trying to force her out of those with forced focus or strong physical action would only make the situation worse. His tactics had changed to letting it play out but being a solid and constant presence, to build trust when others would take advantage or strike her. He had never, ever struck his daughter, rarely raised his voice and always provided a listening ear even when she was in the full depths of some mad thought or emotion. A calm in the storm.
It was a tactic he thought would work with Richard, being that calm and centering presence that went about closing off extra stimulus. It had worked before when Richard had been attacking the communicator and a few other minor instances. He expected that it would work again here, though the distant look and the stony expression that hid the turmoil beneath told him that this was a particularly bad episode. How bad could they be? He didn't know. Did it matter? Not particularly.
He was adjusting the temperature of the shower when he heard the question, turning his head to regard the younger man standing within in grip. He gave a gentle tug to that hand as he drew them both into the shower, even going so far as to pull Richard against his body if the younger man would allow it as the warm water poured over his skin.]
No one should wander alone in that darkness. [He shrugged, uncaring if the explanation was unsatisfying.] I can't go with you to wherever your mind takes you, but I can remain a point of contact to allow you to find your way out again. If you ever wish to talk about it, I will be an ear to listen to try to understand so I can help you further. Otherwise, hopefully this is what you need.
Edited 2024-09-09 16:19 (UTC)
good that one of us is responsible with the cws...
[The severity of these spells do come with various levels of severity, just as Silco suspected. However, while it's true that the current one that has hold on Richard is stronger than those that Silco had witnessed earlier it still was nowhere near the worst case scenario. It's during those moments when Richard truly loses track of himself and allows his anger and fear guide him through the thick woods, painting the world red with him. Right now, Richard could feel the curse trying coax him deeper into the embrace of the abyss as the self-loath filled desperation clung on him like a second skin. But despite all of that and the distorted vision Richard was in control and kept trying to push past the demons of his own making in hopes of finding the exit of the forest.
It was all easier said than done, of course. The vines tightened their hold around Richard's body, the sharp thorns sinking deeper into his bare flesh, and kept dragging him back like harsh hands pulling him apart. Both his body and mind felt exhausted as he continued to fight against their lure, not wanting to let him succumb and panic here in front of his lover. And he was already faltering as the struggle brought the distress over his face.
The explanation Silco gave him was hardly a satisfactory and failed to provide him any answer. Why would the other man go this far to provide someone like Richard comfort and sense of security? Why would he keep holding his hand even though there was a gap forming between them with the issue of Jinx.
'Richard. Richard', the voice hisses at his ear. 'It's because you're demon. You have bewitched him with that body of yours! Or have you gone truly mad and think that you'd be wanted?'
Once again, Richard lowers his gaze down and presses his lips together into a thin, anxious line. However, this time he does not immediately follow Silco but stands still when the man tries to tug him towards the warm water. The tension and stiffness returns to his body as he tries to close his ears of the curses.
The long and slender fingers curl around Silco's hand, squeezing it harder.]
..I am not mad. [His voice is quiet, only barely audible over the rush of the shower. Richard wasn't sure who he was addressing with his words. Was it Silco or the hooded figure who he knew was there with them, waiting to send their army of demons and spirits after Richard any moment. Then, gritting his teeth together, he steps forward into the warm shower and presses himself against Silco's body, forehead leaning against his shoulder.] I am nothing like him.
[He watched Richard closely even as the gulf of distance grew as he stepped into the shower and the younger man remained at arm's length outside of it. He held on regardless, not providing more than a small gentle tug to let the younger man know that he was there in whatever imagery that Richard was enduring. Was it the same as Jinx? He doubted it, though they had never discussed the specifics as he had with his daughter.
The expression on Richard's face was enough to tell him all he needed to know about the internal struggle, and it was not his fight. He fought the battles beyond them in the physical world and provided a safe space for what needed to be fought internally where no one else could see. His job was to protect so that weakness was never shown beyond those walls as much as he could.
But this wasn't Jinx. These weren't her demons. This was Richard, a man who had fallen into bed with him for the last three months. A man with many, many unspoken secrets, few of which Silco could claim to know anything about. They were, in a sense, private men even with each other, accepting one another as monstrous and basking in that with their togetherness.
Why was he protecting Richard? Why was he putting efforts into hiding these vulnerabilities from the world? Did he see some of his daughter's struggles in this man?
Despite his own swirling thoughts hidden behind his mismatched eyes, he was watching and listening for signs this would go one way or the other. A keen sense of hearing was one of the few physical senses that remained well intact.]
No, you are not. You fight internal battles against foes you brought with you from childhood. [That was a guess on his part from years of exposure to abused and traumatized children, the closest being his daughter. He welcomed Richard in against him, curling an arm around the younger man's waist and still refusing to relinquish that gentle hold on Richard's hand.] Nothing like who, hmm?
[Richard keeps quiet, not saying anything to either confirm or deny Silco's speculation. But it's not too far from the truth, at least as far as Richard's concerned. After all, it's not like he ever truly left the forest. Not even the light that was his father could save him from there. Maybe it truly was like his mother always said, that he had been eaten by a witch living there.
His own free hand slides up against Silco's forearm, all the way until his fingers can curl around his shoulder. Richard grits his teeth together and the breath leaving from his is so ragged and violent that it makes his entire upper body tremble as he tries to push down the pain that keeps trying to push through the surface.]
Henry the Sixth. [The barbs of the vine coul tightly around his throat, choking him so that the name comes out as a pained hiss through his teeth.] The mad king who I killed. [He really, really does not want to visit that memory. But he knows the door into that is opened it will not close up again, the darkness spreading and tainting his mind like a disease.
Henry had been mad, yes. But more than that he had been a coward. Always running away and hiding from everything. Either by fleeing from his responsibilities and take on the role of a shepherd, or by escaping into the depths of his mind, blocking the memories and world around him. Richard was not like that. He never had the luxury to run away, no. Instead he always faced his adversities and struggles head-on. There was no place for him to hide away.
Just like here. They had something they needed to deal with, right. Something important to discuss over.
Almost reluctantly, Richard lets go of Silco's hand and steps away from him. He turns his back to the other man as he reaches to grab the soap, beginning to rub the bar on his skin.]
Your daughter, [He begins, voice reaching for distant disability.] What do you wish to do about her demands?
Edited (i need to stop pressing enter too fast.......!) 2024-09-11 20:44 (UTC)
[His arm tightened around Richard's waist as the younger man's fingers gripped his shoulder, but the tension remained obvious based on Richard's gritted expression. He thought that the younger man was about to slide into a panic attack or perhaps take a swing at him as both were spectrums that could come from such an expression.
He didn't know who Henry the Sixth was, but the way that Richard spoke of the man left little room to investigate why the man was mad or why he created such a visceral reaction in Richard. However, there was someone who could potentially answer that question and provide insight to this figure who plagued the younger man so. Why would Richard never wish to be like him? Was it the madness?]
His memory plagues you like a thorn in your mind. [He had someone like that, though that visceral reaction had faded over the years.
Silco didn't fight to keep their physical closeness, releasing Richard and watched the younger man turn away from him. Someone had once told him that secrets would fracture any closeness he might ever attempt; he didn't even recall who after all these years. He'd probably killed them. Yet, the distance felt far larger than it was in reality, and he felt himself pulling back in a subtle protective gesture in return.
He pushed a hand through his wet hair, slicking it back towards his skull as he stepped further under the water to wash quickly. He hummed softly at the question.]
Our options are to keep this between us longer and risk her making stronger attempts to find us together to verify her claims, or we admit and attempt controlling the narrative that way. Both come with risks. [He spoke as a man weighing a tactical decision.] Or... we cease this liaison, and she will leave you alone where I'm concerned.
[Which he knew Jinx wanted potentially more than an admittance from them both. He wasn't certain selfishness would allow him to do that, but if Richard was under considerable pressure and concern about said secrets, he would understand the unwillingness to take risk.]
[A dry, almost surreal scoff leaves from Richard. That statement is an understatement of a lifetime. No matter how many times he tried to suffocate the memory of the man it always somehow found a way to slither back to his mind like a deadly vermin. Despite all his best efforts to kill and freeze his own soul it was no use. Leaving him with desire to rip out his heart out of his chest just so that he wouldn't be tormented by this pain any more.]
He is the man who murdered my father. [His voice comes off like croak, breaking apart in his throat. Richard had never hidden his affection and respect he held towards his father, and he hoped that this revelation would be enough to satisfy Silco's curiosity and make him leave the topic alone.
Richard continues to rub the bar of soap on his body, until he is covered in faint coat of light bubbles. Like always, the sensation felt jarring against his burned arm and damaged nerves. But right now it was actually welcomed feeling as it worked as distraction from the creeping fear and increasing anxiety. Because if Silco's words had any effect on him he did not show it, keeping his back turned to him and expression neutral.
Ultimately he agrees with Silco. There were only so many paths they could take in this situation. However, he could tell that the other man was avoiding the question]
[Considering Richard had nearly taken a blade to him for the mere suggestion that the younger man's father might have died dishonourably, he could imagine why this Henry the Sixth provoked such a reaction. It was enough to shut down any further comments he might decide to make on the subject, aware of the importance that such a man had on Richard's life. If there was a dedication to a single member of family, it would Richard to his father as far as he could tell.]
So you avenged your father with this man's death. [Like that, he left the subject alone and expected that would be that. He would never know and thus hopefully never understand that sting.
He stepped from the spray of water, pushing his hands over his hair to force the rivets of water to trail over his skin. The shower was normally a safe space, one for quiet contemplation or the kind of quiet touching he allowed himself to enjoy with Richard now and again. The space felt oppressive and confining as it was now, though he knew better than to show any disturbances even as he opened more space for Richard to step under the spray that he had just vacated.]
What I wish doesn't matter; there is only one option where I lose. [False. He lost something in all three scenarios, but it wasn't yet worth considering. He was not yet ready to put his cards on the table because he couldn't get a read on what hand Richard was holding.] Your thoughts on the options?
[He had avenged his father, Richard supposes. Along with ensuring the safety of the York throne by suffocating the last Lancaster light. It had all came with heavy personal price. But then again, what other choice did he have? As long as they were who they were there couldn't possibly be anything else than blood between them.
Once he's done with the soap Richard steps back in the shower. He gives the older man a quick, questioning look before he begins to rinse himself. Richard can tell that he is dodging the question, mirroring his own avoidance from before. But there was something very defeatist behind his words that settled badly with Richard.]
I will not let a young girl to sway me nor come between me and what I desire. [He says, pushing his hair off his face, the mismatched eyes looking up at Silco.] I know what I want. What about you?
[He knew he was providing avoidance to the question. It was difficult to consider what he might lose, but also, it was easy to think he would walk away from them. After all, he had given up a life ambition for the freedom of Zaun for his daughter, so the idea that he would sever this dalliance for her as well was not unreasonable. She was his world after all, and he'd sooner see it burned around him rather than lose her.
However, Jinx was settling in, finding her own path with friends and ambition of her own that didn't come from a direction of him. She had friends, boyfriend even and now had a shop of her own. She had a revolution against the Council, which was more initiative than she had ever taken on such subjects. That made him nervous, of course. He and Jinx had a... ah, mildly co-dependent relationship.
He knew her well enough to know that if she didn't like someone, she would go out of her way to make life uncomfortable. Sevika tolerated it on his behalf and because he was so effective at pushing the undercity to independence, but he was keenly aware that Richard would not tolerate her antics. As a side-effect, he would be in the middle of any he-said-she-said battles that would inevitably form. It was such undercity political drama, but this wasn't the undercity.
He regarded Richard from where he stood, thoughts hidden behind a carefully schooled expression. They had never particularly defined what they were. It wasn't a problem except when it could be severing it. He told himself and his daughter this was nothing but sex, yet he could only lie to everyone for so long.
The corner of his lip twitched at the mention of desire, and he stepped backwards to lean against the wall. He crossed his arms across his bare chest, but he made certain to not break eye contact. It would seem like a lack of resolve on his part if he did, and he knew better than to show that kind of weakness.]
She's my daughter. I've given up my greatest ambition to keep her safe... [He didn't regret it, not now, not ever. He wasn't allowed to be selfish when he was the leader and a father.] I would burn my own world to the ground for her. Without question.
[He dropped his arms to his sides again, aware they were like a physical barrier between them. He even pushed off of leaning on the wall, unable to articulate the internal struggle of choosing something - someone - for himself over Jinx. He should be perfectly fine being alone; he had been without someone like Richard or... him for many years that it shouldn't be a difficult decision. He knew, ultimately, what Jinx was demanding without saying, and he had felt prickles of resentment. Even now, he was prickly about the idea of walking away even if he would.
He opened his mouth to continue and then closed it again, shaking his head. He took the two steps to close the distance between himself and Richard and lowered his forehead to rest against the younger man's scarred shoulder.] I want... whatever this is. I want you to someday trust me with some of your secrets, and... for me to trust you with some of mine. I cannot be perceived as betraying my daughter; she's what is important to me.
[He moved to wrap his arms around Richard's waist if the younger man would tolerate it. Why couldn't this - whatever it was - just be sex? Why was there something more to complicate everything?]
[The sharp mismatched eyes are focused at Silco, keenly observing the subtle shifts and changes in his body language. Like a hawk, Richard is looking out for any signs of vulnerability or hesitation as the other man in his exterior.
He understands it very well that this was not a simple matter to the other man, and that there was many layers and factions for both of them to take into consideration. Yet, the slight hints of hesitation and defeatism in Silco's previous words had managed to rouse sparks of irritation in Richard's mind -- briefly pushing the anxiety to the side. But despite that, he stands still in silence, allowing the other man to take his time to arrive to the answers he seeks.
He knew better than anyone that privacy and secrets came with a heavy price, something that would never quite be fully paid. So, despite the hurt that he knew that rejection would bring him, Richard could not blame if Silco decided to quit and walk away. It was only natural. A demon like him was hardly worth of this conflict. If Silco were to burn this who was he to judge? When he had burned so many bridges himself before.
The expression on Richard's face stays neutral, lips pressed together in rosy line and eyes looking up without reflecting any emotion. However, eventually even the marble breaks and crumbles.
The stony mask on his face slips off and Richard takes a sharp breath as Silco closes the gap between them and reaches out to him. There's a trepidation in his chest, stinging like another thorn right at his heart, sinking deep along the with the words. Swallowing air, he slowly raises his healthy hand to back of Silco's neck. He allows the arms wrap around his waist and almost waits to hear the chorus of laughter as they press closer. But for once.. There is nothing, just silence and them -- laying everything bare it seems.
Richard closed his eyes and exhaled.]
The moment you tell her you risk others knowing as well. [He says softly, fingers snaking up to comb through Silco's wet hair. Richard could understand that there were unbreakable bonds, he had shared one with his own father. However, the more he saw and learned about the relationship between Silco and Jinx the more suspicious he became. The girl was looking more like a thorn on the man's side than anything else. ] There are people here who know of me. I.. can't betray them.
[On some level, he recognized that both of them exhibited similar signs and defense mechanisms when it came to pending rejection. Both of them walled off, remaining stony and wooden in their body language as they waited for the worse possible outcome when it came to emotional matters. They were both waiting for whatever this was to fail all around them, like a game of chicken to see how close they could come to the line before one of them jumped off and avoided potential personal disaster.
Yet, all of that melted away from him momentarily when his arms slipped around Richard's waist and the younger man seemed to surrender against him. His grip tightened to bring them together, and he continued to rest his forehead to Richard's burn-scarred shoulder, releasing the tension from his shoulders that he was not rejected in return. Just for a few seconds, he savoured this silently.
Never first choice, but underdog was where he operated best anyway. In the shadows he had always been at his best and his worst. In that, it felt as if he and Richard were reflected the same way.]
I'm aware. [He knew that. Jinx sounded off when frustrated and would likely let Richard's identity slip. Probably Ragna, maybe someone else.] Perhaps also admitting it out loud makes it real as well. Until then, we can just... exist in this space of finding each other but not calling it anything. [If it was real, it might force a sort of commitment or to face any budding emotional attachment to each other. His fingers lightly dug into the small of Richard's back at the audacity of it.] So we are both in a position of being unwilling to betray other people. That puts us in a difficult position.
[Tilting his head slightly to the side, Richard carefully nuzzles against Silco's temple. His breathing finally calming down since entering to the bathroom. The embrace, sound of their joined hear beats and lukewarm water running down their bodies all were soothing to his soul.
However, despite the solace and comfort found in their small bubble, Richard could not help but notice the obvious drift between them -- threatening to pull them apart sooner or later. Neither of them were willing to betray the other people, true. However, while Silco did it out of love towards his daughter, Richard did it for himself. Meeting people like Charles and Mitsuru had affirmed that his ambitions had not been in vain and that he, indeed, did succeed in grabbing that light. But it also meant that he had an imagine to uphold to. He was, after all, King Richard the Third. He could not falter from that.
And then there was the other factor as well, something that Richard found more dooming than anything else. Despite all this intimacy, no matter how deep their shared similarities ran, their hearts were not together. Silco had spoken of secrets and working to unwound them. How funny. Richard could trust the other man with his deepest and most guarded secret that was his body, but hesitated when it came to opening up his mind.]
You called us lovers, before. [Richard recalls to their previous conversation on the network. And then there had been the moment when Silco had claimed Richard as his own in front of the ghosts of his past. ] Is that not enough?
[In the shower, there was a brief sense of peace. He didn't know how long it would last for or when they would step apart to move along with their day. He would already be late for breakfast unless Jinx was sleeping in - a rarity but it still happened - and would potentially take a bit of flack for that. All the more reason to savour the quiet warmth of the shower.
And outside of this space, Silco had his own ambitions and was working towards cultivating all that he needed for his own goals. It was slow and required a certain finesse that he hadn't entirely needed in the undercity take over. There were others with ambition as well, but they carefully maneuvered around each other. So far, Richard had not made bold moves to gather power aside from training, but he saw the potential with the younger man's speech and charisma when organizing.
Would it run them afoul? He didn't know. While he was constantly on alert to threats to his position, Richard was on his radar for benign reasons. They did, after all, spend time together outside of this space.]
And what does lover mean to you in your world? [He expected everyone's interpretation would be different. Was there a commitment? Was there loyalty?] And for now... I will remain mute to my daughter's prying, but that time will close soon as she escalates. I expect you will do the same.
[Of course, a thought occurred to him as he shifted his head a little so he could kiss Richard's shoulder. Was the man embarrassed by him? He had been called a peasant when they first met and Richard had prattled about royalty and high born things. Perhaps he would be a stain on Richard's reputation as Duke being... well, him. Hmm, the Duke of Gloucester's dirty secret? How scandalous.]
[Richard is nothing if not a well-guarded labyrinth of secrets. The deeper one went the easier it was to lose the sight of the truth, getting only lost in the abyss of the lies and deceits. And it would be foolish to assume that this arrangement with Silco was not just one bricks on those walls. But that was just the world where Richard came from. If one wanted to survive and succeed in the royal court they needed to know how conceal themselves in web of lies and schemes.
He had thought that Silco could understand that.
Richard blinks his eyes open at the question, staring at the white wall of the shower as he parces the answer together in his mind. There was no simple answer to it. Lover could mean anything from chosen suitor to illicit affair and between. Richard himself had ever had one lover in his life and even that arrangement had been special and unusual in every possible way. But he had watched his brother and his associates to stumble from bed to another, entertaining a new lover every night. No, this was nothing like that either.
Richard pulls his head back and cranes his neck up, his mismatching eyes peering into almost identical one. He then raises both of his hands to cup Silco's face, drawing the man closer.]
We continue to confide in each other, finding solace and comfort in both body and mind. I chase away your solitude and you do mine. [It might not be the most coherent or specific answer. But it is the only one he has. Richard is not naive enough to expect anything more from this liaison of theirs, unable to believe that the other could hold genuine affection or love towards him outside of their moments of intimacy. Good. That meant that he was free from having to weight his own heart. They were just two beasts locked in a cage, licking each other's wounds.]
And once she does what happens next? Will your protection over me and my secret expire along with your silence?
[Secrets and lies and deceptions and power plays were all part of the games that had to be played. The strong would take advantage of the weak, but Zaun would always stand against Piltover regardless of one's strength. Petty squabbles, feuds, and bruised egos lead to gang wars and assassinations, and people in power lead by a tenuous thread, walking a dangerous line between ruthless effectiveness and pitiful downfalls.
He knew the game well, which was likely why he had never taken a lover in Zaun. His ambition took up too much time as well, but if he wanted to remain effective, an adoptive daughter was all that he could afford to keep close. He raised her to be ruthless and chaotic and violent, to take on the world that they lived in, but it did not usually make one a good ruler for long.
Yet, he leaned his face into Richard's hands, letting the simple gesture welcome him. When he had become so weak? When had he lost his edge to not simply take a calculated risk? He knew when, of course, but that weakness had followed him here, the downfall of an empire that had yet to recover. As he closed his blue eye, he listened to Richard's answer and realized the younger man skirted much of the answer in the same way that he did.
One and the same. Monsters in the dark finding brief solace in each other. Monsters carrying the weight of their past, personal weakness restraining their directness. Was he honestly going to let himself be what he despised as a youth?
Slowly his arms unwound from Richard's waist so that he could lift his hands to mimic the younger man's gesture as he took Richard's cheeks in his palms. He tipped the younger man's face up towards his, leaning down so that their lips were a whisper apart from one another.]
Lovers then, Richard. I will be loyal to you, and I expect you will be loyal to me. We do not stray to other's beds. [His heart rate increased slowly but surely.] I will safeguard your secrets, chase away your solitude, comfort you in your own personal torments when you need me to.
[His mismatched eyes bore into Richard's similar ones.] Betray me, and I will take revenge on you even if it takes me the rest of my lifetime. I expect the reverse to be a similar pledge. [He suddenly moved to push Richard back against the wall of the shower, crowding the younger man with his own body.] So don't betray me.
[He pressed his lips to Richard's, lingering there for almost a minute.] Shall I give you a secret to seal 'us'? To prove that I want this.
[Richard stays quiet, staring daringly without flinching right into the pair of eyes in front of him -- listening carefully the words leaving Silco's lips. How funny. This wasn't the first time that Richard found himself in situation like this. Making a contract of sorts over intimacy and affection. With Buckingham the sex and affection were the price that they both sacrificed as a proof of their conviction. They would lie together and partake in the grave offense against the God's might, while also scheming and plotting a high treason.
With Silco, however? The closeness was the transient light that they both grasped towards in the darkness. And what was the sacrificial lamb that they offered on the altar? Promises of loyalty. Whatever that meant. Honestly, the way the other man laid the conditions in front of him did it all sound like a proposal of sort. After all, there were rarely a lover who would dare to make a request for exclusivity if they did not have official claim for the other person. Richard would have found it funny if it wasn't for the heavy shadow in his heart, keeping him tethered to someone else despite them being worlds apart.
Richard would not be able to give Silco half of his soul, nor heart. Not when they both belonged to someone else. But surely the other man knew that? Despite his conditions. Then again, he doubts that his lover would want them anyway.
He takes steps back and allows Silco to push him against the tile wall, his hands dropping from man's face on his shoulders. Richard could feel the heat radiating from Silco, spreading to his own body -- feeling himself loaning bits and pieces of the fire from the other one. Closing his eyes Richard parts his lips ever so slightly, welcoming the gentle kiss.
Silco is right. If the other one betrays him, one way or another, Richard will hunt him down.
When the kiss breaks Richard blinks his eyes and finally speaks, voice barely loud than whisper]
[There were many things about Richard in the weight of silence that he didn't know. He expected the reverse was certainly true, but he was willing to bridge the gap and take the first step in hopes that Richard might eventually share as the younger man now and again when they had first met and shown curiosity towards each other.
Perhaps that shame of him being gutterblood would come to the surface. Until then, he had to assume that Richard would tolerate whatever low born status meant, especially in a place where they were no kings or dukes or whatever other silly titles people gave themselves. This place was about what people did or didn't do, what they made of themselves even if it was troublesome.
His hands slid down from Richard's cheeks as their kiss broke, palms stroking either side of the column of the younger man's neck. One hand dropped away to reach out to take one of Richard's in his own. He brought it between them so he could set his lover's hand over the round scar in the middle of his chest. It was a wound that had killed him before he arrived here.
He made a soft hmm noise of contemplation.]
My daughter gave me this scar and the one above. She hadn't meant to, but in the confusion of the moment, I received these wounds.
[He hadn't told anyone that. There were only two conscious people present when he died: Jinx and Vi. It was his secret, the one he carried each day without malice towards his daughter.]
[Richard isn't exactly sure what he was expecting to hear from Silco. Just what kind of dark secret could he be harboring under that calm exterior, and willing to lift the veil enough to have Richard a peek? Well. Whatever his initial thought and expectations were they certainly hadn't gotten anywhere close to the truth.
Fingertips circled around the very familiar scars. Ever since laying his eyes on the injuries on Silco's chest Richard had been very intrigued by them. They were similar yet still so different to scars he'd seen in his own world. But now he could understand their nature a little better, thanks to Mr. Valentine's training. He had seen the damage that bullets could do to different surfaces - and only could only imagine the pain of being on the receiving end.
The revelation does move something in Richard's mind. The neutrality softening in his eyes once again as he lowers his gaze from the man's face to the injuries. He parts his lips slightly as if to say something, but the words die before he can even let out a sound. A flock of questions sprang to his mind, loudest ones being How and Why? Richard was now certain that the girl was indeed a thorn. Something that poisoned the man's mind and will, eating away his ambition and life. Surely, Silco saw this too. So why was she still there and not cut off?
However, the mention of the confusing moment does resonate with him, pulling strings within his core. The sound of shower pouring on them all of the sudden sounded a quite lot like a heavy rain drumming against the thick glass of chapel's windows. Hadn't he done something like this, once upon a time? If Silco could forgive her then maybe,--- No. That thought is best left unfinished.
Richard slides his arm around Silco's frame, pulling the man closer, skin against skin. It is so strange, how all the confusion could just melt away and be replaced by the warm feeling of appreciation. Somehow, he looked up at the man as a father more than before.]
My mother tried to kill me, [He speaks softly, breaking his own silence as he decides to offer something with similar value to the other.] Over and over again. She abandoned me in the forest when I was a child, locked me up in the tower and left me at the mercy of enemy army. She told my secret to lords of royal council in hopes that they would execute me. For that I had to sacrifice my arm. [And yet, despite all the hate between two of them, Richard still could not break free from her. His mother shadow following him even here.] Family is not always perfect.
[His chin tipped down so he could watch Richard touch the round jagged scar on his chest. He knew the younger man had been curious of the old wounds, and he had always been vague about them and the nature of his acquiring them. He supposed they would make more sense now that they had undertaken training with firearms, though he would always prefer a knife.
He expected questions to pull back the veil further on the situation which lead to his own demise at the hands of his daughter. It was an accident in a way, the chaos of the situation driving rational thought from the scene at the click of a firearm which might mean she was under attack. Jinx had never been his target. She reacted on instinct, and he had paid the price for trying to help her by silencing the source of her mental breakdown.
Yet, there were no questions, and he stepped in as that arm wound around him and pulled him in. He didn't resist and pressed Richard against the tiles to feel the warmth and comfort that he found with his lover's body. His fingers stroked down the younger man's side, only to pause when Richard replied with a secret of his own.
He listened, drinking in the information, and mismatched eyes moved to the burnt scarred flesh. He moved his mouth to kiss the top of the scarred shoulder; it seemed that family had given them both many scars. No wonder they found comfort in one another.] Family is never perfect. [He added another kiss the scarred skin.] It doesn't sound like she wanted to kill you herself; she manufactured circumstances in hopes that they might eliminate you but couldn't bring herself to murder her own child. It sounds like you were her thorn as much as she was yours.
[He lifted his head to rest it against Richard's forehead again, peering into those mismatched eyes. A part of this reminded him of Vander, of the failed attempt to murder him and then the other man letting him live once he escaped.] Perhaps the failed attempts by those we cared about are simply us being their shame. Our living on forces them to face a part of themselves they despise... and yet, I expect a part of us still cares for them....
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
traumaticus) wrote2022-08-15 11:44 pm
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This was not it. As he watched the younger man curl into himself towards the fetal position, he found himself warring with reaction. On one hand, it was a statement of the trust they had built that he could pick out this vulnerability, but on the other, this weakness would damn whatever this was. He was all for games of the word, but he also was plainly straight-forward on certain topics and expected others who had earned his trust to do the same.
Yet, the claim of a sin actually earned a sharp noise from him, and he set his elbow to the mattress too push himself up to sit. He shifted so their bodies were close together without being in direct contact. He put his mouth close to Richard's hand covered ear.] What is sin but the declaration of someone standing from an ivory tower telling you that you aren't good enough? We are allowed to give into our desires; we are allowed to seek happiness and pleasure and fortune and knowledge.
You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.
[He shrugged his bare shoulders as if nonchalant about the idea of sin. Which ones? He valued loyalty over anything else, but he understood that everyone had an agenda and a limitation.
He tilted his head to meet Richard's gaze, leaning in so he could rest his chin on the younger man's shoulder.]
I still haven't told her. [So no, it hadn't changed.
It was, of course, only partial truth. There were more complex reasons beyond protecting Richard's bodily secrets. He wanted to; he wanted this; he was lonely even when in a room full of people; he wanted to protect them; he wanted to protect Jinx. On and on it went if he scratched to the deeper levels.]
no subject
The touch helps to keep Richard grounded in the presence, preventing him from falling too deep into the dark depths of his own nightmares. At first, at least. Because when he words fall from Silco's lips Richard can feel his stomach dropping and his soul being pulled back.
'You've forced me to do nothing that I don't enjoy.' That is because the forbidden fruit is always the most sweetest. Or so he would normally image a reply to such statement if it wasn't for the lingering implication behind the words that he had indeed tempted the other.
'That is what you always do. Ruin people with those sweet words slipping past your lips and with that demon body of yours!' The voice speaks back to him, heckling as the entire room is covered in the thick black veil, blocking the morning with its light and sounds from entering the room. The veins are coiling around him again, pressing the spikes against his flesh.
Richard's eyes turns away from Silco once again, focusing in the distant spot on the wall, trying to shake off the anxiety from his skin and fight against the panic that threatens to swallow him whole.]
But you want to. [He says eventually, tongue heavy and words tasting like rot in his mouth. Keeping his expression neutral he slips further away on the mattress and moves towards the edge of the bed. ] I will need to wash. We should continue this discussion after that with a meal.
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The distance between them seemed to gulf quickly even before Richard made motion to move away from him, and he expected that there was something that he said which had had the opposite effect that he had intended. For all intensive purposes, this conversation and all of its topics were over, and they had to start from scratch slowly and carefully once... whatever this was passed.
He sighed from his nose when Richard eased away, and he pushed his fingers through his hair as he watched the younger man retreat away. This was one of those 'I will hide under the desk with you' moments, he expected, though very, very different with Richard. The tells were similar.
Silco gathered himself, tucking away all the vulnerabilities he might want to expose and straightened his spine. Like that, he set his shoulders and threw off the blankets and slipped from the bed, making a point of stretching casually.] I will join you then.
[He came around the bed and offered a hand to Richard, gesturing with his head towards the bathroom.] Let's go. We don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. Just us enjoying indoor plumbing and clean water.
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The words spoken to him echoes from somewhere in the distance, pushing through the rustling of leaves and the creaking of the branches that extended their claw-like twigs towards him. The voice is laughing at him as he reaches out to place his hand on top of the offered palm. The movement, as simple it is, feels heavy and difficult as the vines kept clinging on him.
Once he's taken the hand, Richard uses it to pull himself off the bed and to his feet. He moves completely on autopilot, neutral eyes not reflecting the turmoil and storm raging in his mind.
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That finished, he gave a small uninsistent tug to Richard hand as he took them both to the bathroom and shut the door behind them. At the same time as they begun to walk, he simply hummed a little soft tune of Zaun. There was no need to talk and honestly, in a state like that, words could make things worse than better so he didn't bother.
He pulled them both to the shower and tub, urging Richard in as he turned on the water with the other hand. He let the younger man choose where to sit or stand in the step up as he concentrated on making certain the water was an acceptable temperature. The sound of his humming increased to be heard over the sound of water. He did not release his grip on Richard's hand unless it was because the younger man pulled away from him. Never the other way around.]
no subject
But Silco, like always, was a different story. He could see through the barriers that Richard had build around himself and recognize the hurt within his mind and how the curse distorted the reality in his eyes. But instead of trying to force Richard out of the spell he choose to approach the situation with comfort, allowing the moment to play and die out on its own course.
Richard wasn't sure how he felt about it. Part of him detested the softness that kept him lingering between the two worlds, unable to break him free from the doubts plaguing his mind but also preventing him succumbing to them completely. But then there was the other part of him, a much stronger one, that desperately wanted to cling on hope and acceptance that is offered to him -- despite knowing that it ultimately would serve as another knife piercing his soul.
Richard stays quiet, reacting only minimally to Silco's actions. His gaze lowers down to look down at their joined hands. And as they begin to walk his mind automatically snaps to the distant memory from his past, when he had similarly clung on a guiding hand that pulled him only deeper into the woods. His vision narrows and his heartbeat grows only faster and louder as he is remembering the warning.
Do not let go of this hand.
The walk to the bathroom is not a long one, taking a less than a minute, and yet it felt like an eternity to Richard. And once they're in and door is locked he feels a wave of relief to wash over his body, a heavy sigh finally escaping from him - as if he they had just crossed a long and dangerous threshold. How long had he been holding his breath?
It is also then when Richard finally does register the unknown song that Silco had been humming. He briefly lift his gaze from their joined hands to look at the back of Silco's neck, expression finally shifting and showing some emotion as the uncertainty pushed to the surface.]
Why are you doing this?
cw: mental illness
Some made plays for egos or fabricated stories about one losing their grip. It was the other person's job to twist those tales on their head and prove themselves to be still perfectly capable. It turned into endless squabbling and petty disputes that lost focus on the goal. Weakness was the true killer in his position, so he very often used brutal force and underhanded tactics to keep the focus on the end game and insert how much power he wielded even when others wavered; it drew them back into line, and at worst, he'd wipe them out and elevate someone who could manage the weight of responsibility.
Yet, with Jinx, force had gotten him no where. Her grief and mental illness were so deep that trying to force her out of those with forced focus or strong physical action would only make the situation worse. His tactics had changed to letting it play out but being a solid and constant presence, to build trust when others would take advantage or strike her. He had never, ever struck his daughter, rarely raised his voice and always provided a listening ear even when she was in the full depths of some mad thought or emotion. A calm in the storm.
It was a tactic he thought would work with Richard, being that calm and centering presence that went about closing off extra stimulus. It had worked before when Richard had been attacking the communicator and a few other minor instances. He expected that it would work again here, though the distant look and the stony expression that hid the turmoil beneath told him that this was a particularly bad episode. How bad could they be? He didn't know. Did it matter? Not particularly.
He was adjusting the temperature of the shower when he heard the question, turning his head to regard the younger man standing within in grip. He gave a gentle tug to that hand as he drew them both into the shower, even going so far as to pull Richard against his body if the younger man would allow it as the warm water poured over his skin.]
No one should wander alone in that darkness. [He shrugged, uncaring if the explanation was unsatisfying.] I can't go with you to wherever your mind takes you, but I can remain a point of contact to allow you to find your way out again. If you ever wish to talk about it, I will be an ear to listen to try to understand so I can help you further. Otherwise, hopefully this is what you need.
good that one of us is responsible with the cws...
It was all easier said than done, of course. The vines tightened their hold around Richard's body, the sharp thorns sinking deeper into his bare flesh, and kept dragging him back like harsh hands pulling him apart. Both his body and mind felt exhausted as he continued to fight against their lure, not wanting to let him succumb and panic here in front of his lover. And he was already faltering as the struggle brought the distress over his face.
The explanation Silco gave him was hardly a satisfactory and failed to provide him any answer. Why would the other man go this far to provide someone like Richard comfort and sense of security? Why would he keep holding his hand even though there was a gap forming between them with the issue of Jinx.
'Richard. Richard', the voice hisses at his ear. 'It's because you're demon. You have bewitched him with that body of yours! Or have you gone truly mad and think that you'd be wanted?'
Once again, Richard lowers his gaze down and presses his lips together into a thin, anxious line. However, this time he does not immediately follow Silco but stands still when the man tries to tug him towards the warm water. The tension and stiffness returns to his body as he tries to close his ears of the curses.
The long and slender fingers curl around Silco's hand, squeezing it harder.]
..I am not mad. [His voice is quiet, only barely audible over the rush of the shower. Richard wasn't sure who he was addressing with his words. Was it Silco or the hooded figure who he knew was there with them, waiting to send their army of demons and spirits after Richard any moment. Then, gritting his teeth together, he steps forward into the warm shower and presses himself against Silco's body, forehead leaning against his shoulder.] I am nothing like him.
no subject
The expression on Richard's face was enough to tell him all he needed to know about the internal struggle, and it was not his fight. He fought the battles beyond them in the physical world and provided a safe space for what needed to be fought internally where no one else could see. His job was to protect so that weakness was never shown beyond those walls as much as he could.
But this wasn't Jinx. These weren't her demons. This was Richard, a man who had fallen into bed with him for the last three months. A man with many, many unspoken secrets, few of which Silco could claim to know anything about. They were, in a sense, private men even with each other, accepting one another as monstrous and basking in that with their togetherness.
Why was he protecting Richard? Why was he putting efforts into hiding these vulnerabilities from the world? Did he see some of his daughter's struggles in this man?
Despite his own swirling thoughts hidden behind his mismatched eyes, he was watching and listening for signs this would go one way or the other. A keen sense of hearing was one of the few physical senses that remained well intact.]
No, you are not. You fight internal battles against foes you brought with you from childhood. [That was a guess on his part from years of exposure to abused and traumatized children, the closest being his daughter. He welcomed Richard in against him, curling an arm around the younger man's waist and still refusing to relinquish that gentle hold on Richard's hand.] Nothing like who, hmm?
no subject
His own free hand slides up against Silco's forearm, all the way until his fingers can curl around his shoulder. Richard grits his teeth together and the breath leaving from his is so ragged and violent that it makes his entire upper body tremble as he tries to push down the pain that keeps trying to push through the surface.]
Henry the Sixth. [The barbs of the vine coul tightly around his throat, choking him so that the name comes out as a pained hiss through his teeth.] The mad king who I killed. [He really, really does not want to visit that memory. But he knows the door into that is opened it will not close up again, the darkness spreading and tainting his mind like a disease.
Henry had been mad, yes. But more than that he had been a coward. Always running away and hiding from everything. Either by fleeing from his responsibilities and take on the role of a shepherd, or by escaping into the depths of his mind, blocking the memories and world around him. Richard was not like that. He never had the luxury to run away, no. Instead he always faced his adversities and struggles head-on. There was no place for him to hide away.
Just like here. They had something they needed to deal with, right. Something important to discuss over.
Almost reluctantly, Richard lets go of Silco's hand and steps away from him. He turns his back to the other man as he reaches to grab the soap, beginning to rub the bar on his skin.]
Your daughter, [He begins, voice reaching for distant disability.] What do you wish to do about her demands?
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He didn't know who Henry the Sixth was, but the way that Richard spoke of the man left little room to investigate why the man was mad or why he created such a visceral reaction in Richard. However, there was someone who could potentially answer that question and provide insight to this figure who plagued the younger man so. Why would Richard never wish to be like him? Was it the madness?]
His memory plagues you like a thorn in your mind. [He had someone like that, though that visceral reaction had faded over the years.
Silco didn't fight to keep their physical closeness, releasing Richard and watched the younger man turn away from him. Someone had once told him that secrets would fracture any closeness he might ever attempt; he didn't even recall who after all these years. He'd probably killed them. Yet, the distance felt far larger than it was in reality, and he felt himself pulling back in a subtle protective gesture in return.
He pushed a hand through his wet hair, slicking it back towards his skull as he stepped further under the water to wash quickly. He hummed softly at the question.]
Our options are to keep this between us longer and risk her making stronger attempts to find us together to verify her claims, or we admit and attempt controlling the narrative that way. Both come with risks. [He spoke as a man weighing a tactical decision.] Or... we cease this liaison, and she will leave you alone where I'm concerned.
[Which he knew Jinx wanted potentially more than an admittance from them both. He wasn't certain selfishness would allow him to do that, but if Richard was under considerable pressure and concern about said secrets, he would understand the unwillingness to take risk.]
no subject
He is the man who murdered my father. [His voice comes off like croak, breaking apart in his throat. Richard had never hidden his affection and respect he held towards his father, and he hoped that this revelation would be enough to satisfy Silco's curiosity and make him leave the topic alone.
Richard continues to rub the bar of soap on his body, until he is covered in faint coat of light bubbles. Like always, the sensation felt jarring against his burned arm and damaged nerves. But right now it was actually welcomed feeling as it worked as distraction from the creeping fear and increasing anxiety. Because if Silco's words had any effect on him he did not show it, keeping his back turned to him and expression neutral.
Ultimately he agrees with Silco. There were only so many paths they could take in this situation. However, he could tell that the other man was avoiding the question]
And.. What is that you wish to do?
no subject
So you avenged your father with this man's death. [Like that, he left the subject alone and expected that would be that. He would never know and thus hopefully never understand that sting.
He stepped from the spray of water, pushing his hands over his hair to force the rivets of water to trail over his skin. The shower was normally a safe space, one for quiet contemplation or the kind of quiet touching he allowed himself to enjoy with Richard now and again. The space felt oppressive and confining as it was now, though he knew better than to show any disturbances even as he opened more space for Richard to step under the spray that he had just vacated.]
What I wish doesn't matter; there is only one option where I lose. [False. He lost something in all three scenarios, but it wasn't yet worth considering. He was not yet ready to put his cards on the table because he couldn't get a read on what hand Richard was holding.] Your thoughts on the options?
no subject
Once he's done with the soap Richard steps back in the shower. He gives the older man a quick, questioning look before he begins to rinse himself. Richard can tell that he is dodging the question, mirroring his own avoidance from before. But there was something very defeatist behind his words that settled badly with Richard.]
I will not let a young girl to sway me nor come between me and what I desire. [He says, pushing his hair off his face, the mismatched eyes looking up at Silco.] I know what I want. What about you?
tl;dr
However, Jinx was settling in, finding her own path with friends and ambition of her own that didn't come from a direction of him. She had friends, boyfriend even and now had a shop of her own. She had a revolution against the Council, which was more initiative than she had ever taken on such subjects. That made him nervous, of course. He and Jinx had a... ah, mildly co-dependent relationship.
He knew her well enough to know that if she didn't like someone, she would go out of her way to make life uncomfortable. Sevika tolerated it on his behalf and because he was so effective at pushing the undercity to independence, but he was keenly aware that Richard would not tolerate her antics. As a side-effect, he would be in the middle of any he-said-she-said battles that would inevitably form. It was such undercity political drama, but this wasn't the undercity.
He regarded Richard from where he stood, thoughts hidden behind a carefully schooled expression. They had never particularly defined what they were. It wasn't a problem except when it could be severing it. He told himself and his daughter this was nothing but sex, yet he could only lie to everyone for so long.
The corner of his lip twitched at the mention of desire, and he stepped backwards to lean against the wall. He crossed his arms across his bare chest, but he made certain to not break eye contact. It would seem like a lack of resolve on his part if he did, and he knew better than to show that kind of weakness.]
She's my daughter. I've given up my greatest ambition to keep her safe... [He didn't regret it, not now, not ever. He wasn't allowed to be selfish when he was the leader and a father.] I would burn my own world to the ground for her. Without question.
[He dropped his arms to his sides again, aware they were like a physical barrier between them. He even pushed off of leaning on the wall, unable to articulate the internal struggle of choosing something - someone - for himself over Jinx. He should be perfectly fine being alone; he had been without someone like Richard or... him for many years that it shouldn't be a difficult decision. He knew, ultimately, what Jinx was demanding without saying, and he had felt prickles of resentment. Even now, he was prickly about the idea of walking away even if he would.
He opened his mouth to continue and then closed it again, shaking his head. He took the two steps to close the distance between himself and Richard and lowered his forehead to rest against the younger man's scarred shoulder.] I want... whatever this is. I want you to someday trust me with some of your secrets, and... for me to trust you with some of mine. I cannot be perceived as betraying my daughter; she's what is important to me.
[He moved to wrap his arms around Richard's waist if the younger man would tolerate it. Why couldn't this - whatever it was - just be sex? Why was there something more to complicate everything?]
the delicious inner monologue
He understands it very well that this was not a simple matter to the other man, and that there was many layers and factions for both of them to take into consideration. Yet, the slight hints of hesitation and defeatism in Silco's previous words had managed to rouse sparks of irritation in Richard's mind -- briefly pushing the anxiety to the side. But despite that, he stands still in silence, allowing the other man to take his time to arrive to the answers he seeks.
He knew better than anyone that privacy and secrets came with a heavy price, something that would never quite be fully paid. So, despite the hurt that he knew that rejection would bring him, Richard could not blame if Silco decided to quit and walk away. It was only natural. A demon like him was hardly worth of this conflict. If Silco were to burn this who was he to judge? When he had burned so many bridges himself before.
The expression on Richard's face stays neutral, lips pressed together in rosy line and eyes looking up without reflecting any emotion. However, eventually even the marble breaks and crumbles.
The stony mask on his face slips off and Richard takes a sharp breath as Silco closes the gap between them and reaches out to him. There's a trepidation in his chest, stinging like another thorn right at his heart, sinking deep along the with the words. Swallowing air, he slowly raises his healthy hand to back of Silco's neck. He allows the arms wrap around his waist and almost waits to hear the chorus of laughter as they press closer. But for once.. There is nothing, just silence and them -- laying everything bare it seems.
Richard closed his eyes and exhaled.]
The moment you tell her you risk others knowing as well. [He says softly, fingers snaking up to comb through Silco's wet hair. Richard could understand that there were unbreakable bonds, he had shared one with his own father. However, the more he saw and learned about the relationship between Silco and Jinx the more suspicious he became. The girl was looking more like a thorn on the man's side than anything else. ] There are people here who know of me. I.. can't betray them.
no subject
Yet, all of that melted away from him momentarily when his arms slipped around Richard's waist and the younger man seemed to surrender against him. His grip tightened to bring them together, and he continued to rest his forehead to Richard's burn-scarred shoulder, releasing the tension from his shoulders that he was not rejected in return. Just for a few seconds, he savoured this silently.
Never first choice, but underdog was where he operated best anyway. In the shadows he had always been at his best and his worst. In that, it felt as if he and Richard were reflected the same way.]
I'm aware. [He knew that. Jinx sounded off when frustrated and would likely let Richard's identity slip. Probably Ragna, maybe someone else.] Perhaps also admitting it out loud makes it real as well. Until then, we can just... exist in this space of finding each other but not calling it anything. [If it was real, it might force a sort of commitment or to face any budding emotional attachment to each other. His fingers lightly dug into the small of Richard's back at the audacity of it.] So we are both in a position of being unwilling to betray other people. That puts us in a difficult position.
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However, despite the solace and comfort found in their small bubble, Richard could not help but notice the obvious drift between them -- threatening to pull them apart sooner or later. Neither of them were willing to betray the other people, true. However, while Silco did it out of love towards his daughter, Richard did it for himself. Meeting people like Charles and Mitsuru had affirmed that his ambitions had not been in vain and that he, indeed, did succeed in grabbing that light. But it also meant that he had an imagine to uphold to. He was, after all, King Richard the Third. He could not falter from that.
And then there was the other factor as well, something that Richard found more dooming than anything else. Despite all this intimacy, no matter how deep their shared similarities ran, their hearts were not together. Silco had spoken of secrets and working to unwound them. How funny. Richard could trust the other man with his deepest and most guarded secret that was his body, but hesitated when it came to opening up his mind.]
You called us lovers, before. [Richard recalls to their previous conversation on the network. And then there had been the moment when Silco had claimed Richard as his own in front of the ghosts of his past. ] Is that not enough?
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And outside of this space, Silco had his own ambitions and was working towards cultivating all that he needed for his own goals. It was slow and required a certain finesse that he hadn't entirely needed in the undercity take over. There were others with ambition as well, but they carefully maneuvered around each other. So far, Richard had not made bold moves to gather power aside from training, but he saw the potential with the younger man's speech and charisma when organizing.
Would it run them afoul? He didn't know. While he was constantly on alert to threats to his position, Richard was on his radar for benign reasons. They did, after all, spend time together outside of this space.]
And what does lover mean to you in your world? [He expected everyone's interpretation would be different. Was there a commitment? Was there loyalty?] And for now... I will remain mute to my daughter's prying, but that time will close soon as she escalates. I expect you will do the same.
[Of course, a thought occurred to him as he shifted his head a little so he could kiss Richard's shoulder. Was the man embarrassed by him? He had been called a peasant when they first met and Richard had prattled about royalty and high born things. Perhaps he would be a stain on Richard's reputation as Duke being... well, him. Hmm, the Duke of Gloucester's dirty secret? How scandalous.]
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He had thought that Silco could understand that.
Richard blinks his eyes open at the question, staring at the white wall of the shower as he parces the answer together in his mind. There was no simple answer to it. Lover could mean anything from chosen suitor to illicit affair and between. Richard himself had ever had one lover in his life and even that arrangement had been special and unusual in every possible way. But he had watched his brother and his associates to stumble from bed to another, entertaining a new lover every night. No, this was nothing like that either.
Richard pulls his head back and cranes his neck up, his mismatching eyes peering into almost identical one. He then raises both of his hands to cup Silco's face, drawing the man closer.]
We continue to confide in each other, finding solace and comfort in both body and mind. I chase away your solitude and you do mine. [It might not be the most coherent or specific answer. But it is the only one he has. Richard is not naive enough to expect anything more from this liaison of theirs, unable to believe that the other could hold genuine affection or love towards him outside of their moments of intimacy. Good. That meant that he was free from having to weight his own heart. They were just two beasts locked in a cage, licking each other's wounds.]
And once she does what happens next? Will your protection over me and my secret expire along with your silence?
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He knew the game well, which was likely why he had never taken a lover in Zaun. His ambition took up too much time as well, but if he wanted to remain effective, an adoptive daughter was all that he could afford to keep close. He raised her to be ruthless and chaotic and violent, to take on the world that they lived in, but it did not usually make one a good ruler for long.
Yet, he leaned his face into Richard's hands, letting the simple gesture welcome him. When he had become so weak? When had he lost his edge to not simply take a calculated risk? He knew when, of course, but that weakness had followed him here, the downfall of an empire that had yet to recover. As he closed his blue eye, he listened to Richard's answer and realized the younger man skirted much of the answer in the same way that he did.
One and the same. Monsters in the dark finding brief solace in each other. Monsters carrying the weight of their past, personal weakness restraining their directness. Was he honestly going to let himself be what he despised as a youth?
Slowly his arms unwound from Richard's waist so that he could lift his hands to mimic the younger man's gesture as he took Richard's cheeks in his palms. He tipped the younger man's face up towards his, leaning down so that their lips were a whisper apart from one another.]
Lovers then, Richard. I will be loyal to you, and I expect you will be loyal to me. We do not stray to other's beds. [His heart rate increased slowly but surely.] I will safeguard your secrets, chase away your solitude, comfort you in your own personal torments when you need me to.
[His mismatched eyes bore into Richard's similar ones.] Betray me, and I will take revenge on you even if it takes me the rest of my lifetime. I expect the reverse to be a similar pledge. [He suddenly moved to push Richard back against the wall of the shower, crowding the younger man with his own body.] So don't betray me.
[He pressed his lips to Richard's, lingering there for almost a minute.] Shall I give you a secret to seal 'us'? To prove that I want this.
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With Silco, however? The closeness was the transient light that they both grasped towards in the darkness. And what was the sacrificial lamb that they offered on the altar? Promises of loyalty. Whatever that meant. Honestly, the way the other man laid the conditions in front of him did it all sound like a proposal of sort. After all, there were rarely a lover who would dare to make a request for exclusivity if they did not have official claim for the other person. Richard would have found it funny if it wasn't for the heavy shadow in his heart, keeping him tethered to someone else despite them being worlds apart.
Richard would not be able to give Silco half of his soul, nor heart. Not when they both belonged to someone else. But surely the other man knew that? Despite his conditions. Then again, he doubts that his lover would want them anyway.
He takes steps back and allows Silco to push him against the tile wall, his hands dropping from man's face on his shoulders. Richard could feel the heat radiating from Silco, spreading to his own body -- feeling himself loaning bits and pieces of the fire from the other one. Closing his eyes Richard parts his lips ever so slightly, welcoming the gentle kiss.
Silco is right. If the other one betrays him, one way or another, Richard will hunt him down.
When the kiss breaks Richard blinks his eyes and finally speaks, voice barely loud than whisper]
What is it?
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Perhaps that shame of him being gutterblood would come to the surface. Until then, he had to assume that Richard would tolerate whatever low born status meant, especially in a place where they were no kings or dukes or whatever other silly titles people gave themselves. This place was about what people did or didn't do, what they made of themselves even if it was troublesome.
His hands slid down from Richard's cheeks as their kiss broke, palms stroking either side of the column of the younger man's neck. One hand dropped away to reach out to take one of Richard's in his own. He brought it between them so he could set his lover's hand over the round scar in the middle of his chest. It was a wound that had killed him before he arrived here.
He made a soft hmm noise of contemplation.]
My daughter gave me this scar and the one above. She hadn't meant to, but in the confusion of the moment, I received these wounds.
[He hadn't told anyone that. There were only two conscious people present when he died: Jinx and Vi. It was his secret, the one he carried each day without malice towards his daughter.]
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Fingertips circled around the very familiar scars. Ever since laying his eyes on the injuries on Silco's chest Richard had been very intrigued by them. They were similar yet still so different to scars he'd seen in his own world. But now he could understand their nature a little better, thanks to Mr. Valentine's training. He had seen the damage that bullets could do to different surfaces - and only could only imagine the pain of being on the receiving end.
The revelation does move something in Richard's mind. The neutrality softening in his eyes once again as he lowers his gaze from the man's face to the injuries. He parts his lips slightly as if to say something, but the words die before he can even let out a sound. A flock of questions sprang to his mind, loudest ones being How and Why? Richard was now certain that the girl was indeed a thorn. Something that poisoned the man's mind and will, eating away his ambition and life. Surely, Silco saw this too. So why was she still there and not cut off?
However, the mention of the confusing moment does resonate with him, pulling strings within his core. The sound of shower pouring on them all of the sudden sounded a quite lot like a heavy rain drumming against the thick glass of chapel's windows. Hadn't he done something like this, once upon a time? If Silco could forgive her then maybe,--- No. That thought is best left unfinished.
Richard slides his arm around Silco's frame, pulling the man closer, skin against skin. It is so strange, how all the confusion could just melt away and be replaced by the warm feeling of appreciation. Somehow, he looked up at the man as a father more than before.]
My mother tried to kill me, [He speaks softly, breaking his own silence as he decides to offer something with similar value to the other.] Over and over again. She abandoned me in the forest when I was a child, locked me up in the tower and left me at the mercy of enemy army. She told my secret to lords of royal council in hopes that they would execute me. For that I had to sacrifice my arm. [And yet, despite all the hate between two of them, Richard still could not break free from her. His mother shadow following him even here.] Family is not always perfect.
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He expected questions to pull back the veil further on the situation which lead to his own demise at the hands of his daughter. It was an accident in a way, the chaos of the situation driving rational thought from the scene at the click of a firearm which might mean she was under attack. Jinx had never been his target. She reacted on instinct, and he had paid the price for trying to help her by silencing the source of her mental breakdown.
Yet, there were no questions, and he stepped in as that arm wound around him and pulled him in. He didn't resist and pressed Richard against the tiles to feel the warmth and comfort that he found with his lover's body. His fingers stroked down the younger man's side, only to pause when Richard replied with a secret of his own.
He listened, drinking in the information, and mismatched eyes moved to the burnt scarred flesh. He moved his mouth to kiss the top of the scarred shoulder; it seemed that family had given them both many scars. No wonder they found comfort in one another.] Family is never perfect. [He added another kiss the scarred skin.] It doesn't sound like she wanted to kill you herself; she manufactured circumstances in hopes that they might eliminate you but couldn't bring herself to murder her own child. It sounds like you were her thorn as much as she was yours.
[He lifted his head to rest it against Richard's forehead again, peering into those mismatched eyes. A part of this reminded him of Vander, of the failed attempt to murder him and then the other man letting him live once he escaped.] Perhaps the failed attempts by those we cared about are simply us being their shame. Our living on forces them to face a part of themselves they despise... and yet, I expect a part of us still cares for them....
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cw: child abuse
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